I have moved

HERE

A different stage

It's pouring raining and I'm staying at home. Not for the rain, even if it would be a good reason to stay inside. This damp and gray morning makes me think about this stage of my life. I have been dealing with some challenges in the last few weeks. I haven't spent enough quality time with my soul mate. He has been very busy and when we are together we are often tired and/or nervous. We had planned to move in together by the end of this year but the renovation works take longer than expected. The option might be to temporarily move to another place and we are seriously thinking about it. It's not that simple as we need to find a place for few months and there is only one possibility which seems reasonable. However, other people are involved (I do want to go into details here) and more talk is needed. Hopefully, we will sort this out in the following days. I really want to move in with him as soon as possibile. I can't wait any longer and I'm sure our relationship will benefit from living together: we desperately need to live our own life!

More over, I feel completely disconnected from my work. I've realised that I'm not as passionate about my work as I used to be. As above mentioned, this is perhaps just a stage but I don't know how to cope with those unpleasant feelings. They have been "knocking on my head" for a long time and I just can't drop these thoughts as they were not important.

On the plus side, I am getting involved (and I am passionate about it!) in politics. Like many Italians, I'm fed up with Mister B. and I think it's time to get actively involved in order to change the political landscape. I go to local meetings and I support a political party.

I also feel the urge to write and share my thoughts, projects (i.e. knitting stuff) etc. on my blog. It seems that writing keeps me alive and I'd like to move ahead. There's nothing professional in this blog, but I would like a more stylish way to put content on the web as I'm planning to open a virtual shop to sell my handmake scarves.

Yarn shopping and more knitting

Moving?

I'm thinking about moving this blog to squarespace.

If I take this decision, I will let you know either here or by email. If you don't see this homepage in the next hours or days it's only because I am moving all my "virtual" stuff there, ok?

Perhaps Proust is a bit too heavy

after 50 pages one just wants to commit suicide (or fly to France which is even worse than suicide. Cheese is fabulous, Paris merveilleuse but French people...). Every year I think that it is just the right time to read In Search of Lost Time. I "taste" the first few pages to confirm that yes, the right time has come. As I read through I change my mind as it is a claustrophobic masterpiece. It is a shame as I would LOVE to read it but one has to be in the right mood.

So, what can I read? I should read in English but I must confess that I'm getting lazy. I use English all the time, sometimes it's good to lay in bed reading a book written in my own language. I'll probably read Il gioco dell'Angelo (The Angel's Game) as it is set in Barcelona and I'm going there in February for a couple of days (hopefully for more than just 2 days). Can't wait: Spain, Portugal and Greece are the only European countries where I feel almost at home.

I haven't done much today. I feel so tired for no reason. Well, I'm probably having what I usually have every single month: a severe PMS ( I have ALL the symptoms described there, what a lucky girl!). I feel like s*** and can't focus at all. I'll have to catch up tomorrow, otherwise someone is going to kill me pretty soon. To make things worse I have to go out tonight.

This weather makes me want to curl up and read a good book

Soft & Warm

If you are running out of ideas for Christmas presents, you could buy one of my soft and warm scarves!

Contact me at: lolatwit[at]yahoo.it

"The whole of Proust's world comes out of a teacup"

S. Beckett.

The episode of the madeleine dipped in tea is the most famous "involuntary memory" in In the Search of Lost Time. Indeed, food, tastes and smells trigger memories and sometimes reproduce emotions from the past.

Inspired by Andy's recepies and Arte's post, I have decided to write a post about my involuntary memories which are trigged by my favourite food/dishes. If you like the idea, I encourage you to do the same.

Favourite dishes:

1. Polenta with gorgonzola. Involuntary memory: my maternal grandma's kitchen. We gather on Sundays, the kitchen is very small (and hot) and polenta with cheese is the hoven to keep it hot. My gradma is fond of cheese (we are all fond of cheese, can't live without it) and eats big portions. I would never stop eating but after a while I have enough. Polenta is a poor food but it's very filling.
2. Frittura dolce, "Fried sweet" (a Piedmontese dish made with sugar, milk, semolino -I don't know the proper translation- and lemon pulp. It's not a dessert, rather we eat it as entrée and it is delicious). Involuntary memory: my paternal grandma's kitchen and bedroom where frittura was kept cold for one day before cooking. I smell the lemon pulp and immediately spot the oval dish in the cold bedroom. I steal some uncooked (= not fried) perfectly cut pieces of frittura. During lunch I almost eat only frittura dolce and... the following dish
3. Vitello tonnato. Involuntary memory: my paternal gradma's house. Meat has never been my favourite food but I LOVE the sauce! I eat a small slice of veal and eat a great amount of sauce with bread. Now I eat both with gusto but I'll never taste my gradma's sauce again, it was great.

What about your involuntary memories?

Dinner (tonight)

check this out.

Great blog, isn't it?

Another morning (Sunrise, Alba)

enjoy it.

Sandro Veronesi

With regards to translations, I've found out that Quiet Chaos is available in English. I don't know if the translation is good though. It must have been challenging to translate the above mentioned book into English as the author has a very peculiar style.

As for XY, his last book, I must admit that is very good. I enjoyed Caos Calmo (Quiet Chaos) but I found it too long. It could have been -say- 100 pages shorter. XY is a thriller (or a mistery book? I'm not sure...) that revolves around 10 very strange murders which occur in a small and isolated mountain village, all 10 in one day at the same time. Nothing new, right? Fear somehow relates to the mountains (i.e. Misery, The Shining). The murders seem unrelated but they must be linked as the bodies are found in one place. What is interesting is that the reader experience the story through the perspectives of two characters and one of them has something to do with the murders due to a weird thing that happens to her the day when the bodies are found.

I'm reading it, it has been intriguing so far. Bravo Veronesi.

Ashamed to be Italian

"better than being gay"

After all

through pilates and feldenkrais I'm playing with myself so I'm more confortable with a less serious template.

Despite the terrible weather, we had a lovely weekend: great food & wine! If you are around, I'd recommed to have lunch/dinner here:

1. Enoteca regionale di Canelli

2. Piazza Crova, 3 (Vaglio Serra).

I finished my second scarf and I will be be done with the third soon. While I was knitting we had an interesting conversation. Again, I think I know where I'm going as I feel really good when I'm focused on my body and on the connection between body and mind. Priorities change as lfe changes and at this stage of my life I feel the need to catch up with my body. I've been focusing for a long time on my intellectual growth, it's now time to pay attention to my body needs.

This morning

Underground Cathedrals & Books & something else

We're going to see some underground cathedrals (see also here) this coming weekend: I can't wait as I love that area. My partner has found a very romantic place to stay. He is pretty good at it ;) We'll be back on Monday afternoon... I can't miss Pilates. I guess I'll need to work out next week:

- tomorrow: lunch with my best friend (pasta with zucchini, mint and fresh ricotta plus dessert);

- Saturday: lunch to celebrate my dad's birthday at a well known (and very good) restaurant not too far from where I live. Dinner with friends (homemade pizza);

- Sunday: Piedmontese cuisine at lunch and dinner, namely not so light food and excellent wines.

- Monday: + 3 kg!

I've just bought two novels written by very good Italian writers: Niccolò Ammaniti and SandroVeronesi. I don't know if their books have been translated into English. Google them, Ammaniti's and Veronesi's books are always worth reading. 

I've been busy lately and I haven't had time to write about a meeting with someone I haven't seen for more than 20 years. She gave me a picture of us when we were 10 years old ... good memories and nostalgia. I'll write soon about it.

I am far better now than last summer which is unusual as one always feels great on holidays. It is possibly related to several aspects. My mom, who has been suffering from a chronic disease for a long time, is doing very well. I can't quite believe it, she is a different person. I love her so much, we are very close and it's great to see her living again. She is busy renewing her house and seems very excited about it. Pilates and Feldenkrais have changed my perspective and I have been changing... for the better (as one of my colleagues told me yesterday). We have been planning our life together and after 13 years I can see major changes coming up. We'll move in together very soon and hopefully have kids. 

Have a good weekend :)

A ray of light (and my belly)

It's been raining since yesterday night. I woke up at 6:40 at it seemed 3 a.m: almost no light which I found very depressing. When I lived in Canada I had to wait until 10 in the morning to see a ray of light. I walked to the University in the dark, every single day. On my way back it was even worse as at 6:30 p.m in Ontario (December) is as dark as in a night without stars and moon. The same applies to the "wet coast": last November in Vancouver was far too dark for me.

I NEED more light! 

On the positive side, I'll go to Pilates later on. It cheers me up as the teacher is so funny and warm. Usually things go like this:

"Lolaaaa"

"Yes"

"Your belly moves. You're not breathing properly"

"It's not true"

"It is. Stop moving your belly, Lola"

"I'm not moving it. I DO have a belly, I'm not flat like you!"

"Nooo. You are not breathing properly. PULL YOUR BELLY BOTTON TO YOUR SPINE, Lola"

"Ok......... I can't"

"What??"

I can tell you, it is challenging. One has to:

- pull the belly botton to the spine

- do the lateral breathing and maintain it through the exercize.

Not to mention when one has to imagine a diamond in the pelvis! Last time my imagination was so powerful that I felt the urge to urinate!  (the culet was too close to my bladder).

Food and other things

I work at home today which is good as I can walk the dog before doing anything else. I share the office with other people and it's difficult to focus sometimes. As I mentioned elsewhere I need silence to "function", this is why I stay at home at least two out of 5 days per week. I'm planning to work hard today, cook brown rice and knitting (in the evening). Another thing I need -well, my intestine needs- to function is integral food (I'm not sure this is the right word. We say cibo integrale when food such as pasta and rice is brown and rich in fibres. How do you say? Integral or not refined?). I have very peculiar breakfasts: grained flax seeds (that cointain high level of dietary fiber) with dry mango, coconut and yoghurt is what I usually have. My partner says that "I'm not Italian" in this respect as I don't eat ordinary food, rather I prefer organic and vegetarian food. I used to be vegetarian and I still eat meat or fish for no more than -say- two times a week. I don't eat affettati (i.e. ham, salami and so forth)... except when I go to Tuscany as finocchiona is something I can't resist!

**
I'm reading two interesting books. One is non fiction, written by an English author who lives in Italy (no, it's not Andy!). Teach us to sit still has been a very pleasant reading so far. While the second book is fiction, it offers cultural insights which makes it more than just a novel. Both are worth reading. I'm looking forward to read Cunnigham's last novel which will be published in Italian in the next days. However, I'm sure I'll buy it in English ... 

**
I'm planning to write some Feldenkrais chronicles in order to explain the benefits of this method. If I have time, I'll do it in the following weeks.

8 years old

I don't think there are words to say how much I love him. He has changed our lives for the better and I simply couldn't live without those intelligent eyes which always try to understand what we say or what we are going to do. We have been together for 3 years now. Happy birthday big boy.

Your Mom

Scarves

The first is done, the second is a work in progress..
click to enlarge.

Perspectives

I have put considerable efforts to accomplish professional goals. I really like my job but it is not quite what I expected. I should focus more on relevant issues rather than on things which are far from my responsibility and expertise. Not to mention that I have changed a lot and I have other interests now and private goals I would love to achieve in the near future. My career is not as important to me as it was few years ago and I am certainly open to new job opportunities.

I might open a tea house and pastry shop or even sell my knitting products (well, my scarves). By the way, I'm thinking about uploading a picture of a scarf here and see if someone is interested. I won't make a living with scarves but still, it will be a nice try. If I lost my job I'd probably become seriously involved with Feldenkrais and would try to become a certified teacher.

Until few years ago I wasn't aware of my "body" and of the strict links between body and mind. I wasn't into body & mind issues as books and culture were my main interests. I hadn't been familiar with my body for many years until: a) I stumbled upon a book (this is my way to deal with problems: reading inspiring books); b) I  made a big mistake c) I asked myself what happened to my soul voice d) I underwent a surgery. After all this I realised how much I had lost: my instinctual nature was buried under intellectualism. I dealt with my frustrations and changed my perseptive on life: I don't work anymore on weekends, I listen to my body and I can see the body/mind connections. I've been working on breathing, posture and how to improve my well- being that might be or not related to my daily job. We all have to cope with job related problems, now I am able to put them into the right perspective: job is very important but not as essential as health. I do my best but I don't get stuck: I move on as there are other things in life. It may be sound obvious but it wasn't obvious to me until -as mentioned above- few years ago.

As a writer I love claims, women (I would say human beings) have a soul need to express themselves and they must blossom in ways that are sensible to them. I think I have found ways to blossom which are very important to me and I like sharing and speaking my truth in a clear voice. I'm not obsessed with my job anymore and I do feel much better! Perhaps I've figured out how to open my chakras ;)

As mentioned

here, I know where I am going. I have thought about it and I want to be honest, above all with myself. I feel squeezed between two cultures as I was raised catholic but I'm interested in oriental approaches to philosophy, psychology and life in general. I can't tell if I'm buddhist but I can claim that I'm not christian. I do believe in Christ and I love the revolutionary man  and his teachings. I don't believe in other things though and if I relied on faith in the past it's because I needed to believe in God.

I like more philosophical approaches to life and I'm especially inspired by buddhism. So I am going to the East, rather than to the West. In a sense, I'm traveling the spiritual path which seems to lead to the East. So perhaps I was wrong: the two perspectives cannot be brought together or, to put it better, I can't be christian and buddhist at the same time. I'm just a human being who is trying to use a spiritual compass but I need to choose: West or East otherwise I'll get lost.

Loosing one's religion is challenging but I'm pretty much sure of my choice. We will see where life will take me.

Yes,

I changed the template again (I can't help it, I like changes!).

It's gray

or grey?

I'm not in the mood for anything except for knitting and reading which I can certainly do given that I work at home today. I feel a bit dizzy but I don't know why. It might be related to PMS or even to Feldenkrais as it  releases tensions and I tend to somatize stress. I even didn't go out for a walk with big boy this morning! Anyway, I don't feel bad just... well, I'm sure you are all familiar with "not in the mood" days. I wish I had Pilates today and I also wish I haven't caught the flu!

On the positive side, we'll be going to the mountains until Monday to celebrate my partner's birthday. Hopefully my mood will improve (I'm sure it will). Just the two of us, so it will be a romantic gateway. The poor guy will try to relax and especially to sleep longer in the morning. I usually get up between 6:30 and 7:30 without an alarm clock: I'll finish the first scarf and begin the second while he snores.

Perhaps we will go the mountains also next week to attend a meditation seminar which will be held in a Buddhist monastery. Honestly, it's me who is interested but is he is too sensitive and good to say no. While I'll desperately try to calm my mind, he will fall asleep (guess why I call him sloth?!). I need a sloth, though, as I'm the opposite. I couldn't live with someone like me! He is always calm, easygoing, almost never upset or concerned, balanced and above all he likes sleeping. I have to go to bed before midnight in order to get enough sleep. No matter if he gets to bed at 10 p.m. or 3 a.m. ... he doesn't wake up until someone barks or shouts in his ears. I do wake up if I hear a butterfly flying outside my bedroom window (this is also why I've never moved to a big city: I need SILENCE).

I must confess that in more than 10 years together I've learned how to be less anxious but it has been a longat I have an unknown illness with high mortalty (and neve process and some efforts are still required. I'm better off now because of my sweet sloth and my interest in oriental philosophies otherwhise I would never sleep through the night and probably never stop thinking thr stop checking signs of ovulation: "we have to do it NOW, ok?" Yes, I tend to be this kind of person).

my partner climbing his favourite tree ;)

Feldenkrais Method

On Mondays I go to a small "cultural" association to do Pilates which I really enjoy despite the fact that it is difficult. Perhpas I like it because it's challenging. I love the environment too: two rooms, low light, few people who call me by my name if you can see what I mean. This small world has nothing in common with gyms that I cannot stand for several reasons (i.e. people sweat like pigs and feel really cool... all muscle and no brain). We are only 5 and A. is a very good teacher and a friendly, warm person as well.

Tonight I went with my best friend to take another course called Feldenkrais. We didn't have a clue about it and it was a pleasant surprise! Wow, I felt so good and we immediately signed up for two months and half course. 4 people and L, the teacher. Honestly, another world opened up: have a look if you are interested in knowing more about it.

Key word is awareness.
ps. to correct is incorrect.

I shall stop writing ( *random SHORT thoughts*)

things like "cut down on travel" as it seems IMPOSSIBLE to stick to this plan. I've just found out that I have to go to Belgium next week (!). I  tried to decline but it seems as though I can't say no. Fine, I'll go for 24 hours.

My front teeth still has problems and we have to wait at least 15 days to take a decision. I'm a bit concerned but there's not much I can do at the moment. I am not too optimistic though.

As you can imagine, I'm pretty busy and I don't know when I'll be able to sit down, think and write like I used to do. I miss my blog and your blogs as well! However, in the evenings -when I'm too tired to switch on my laptop- I enjoy knitting and my first scarf looks good... so far.

I have just received this: hopefully not the uncorrected version! I'm looking forward reading it but I know how Franzen writes so perhaps this is not the right time to immerse myself in his book. Rather, I'll start reading this one and let you know about it.

Speak to you soon

What's going on here part II

1. extremely busy. I don't have time to write a proper post, but I want to keep you posted
2. big boy gave me a headbutt on my front teeth two days ago. He didn't do it intentionally but the pain was quite severe and I still have to do some medical checks as the nerve might be damaged. It still hurts even though it's getting better. I must admit that I cried for an hour but I wasn't able to admonish him.
3. Ok, I promised to cut down on travel but there is a chance to spend few days in Vilnius and I can't say no! I've heard it's a wonderful city so I keep my fingers crossed as it depends on my work. Moreover, I truly hope we can go somewhere for my partner's birthday (October 11th), we both need a holiday.
4. I'll be going here on Saturday  to celebrate a friend of mine: can't wait! It's a nice place and there's a good reason to celebrate her achievements.

I think that's all for now. 

What's going on here

• it' raining but it's ok. I'm planning to do some yarn shopping tomorrow and we'll go to the movies so I don't need the sun, do I? However, big boy does otherwise our walks will be much shorter. I can tell he is a bit annoyed already.
• I've had very good feedbacks from people I worked with last week. I'm really pleased as it was quite a challenging job :)
• flights are booked to visit my friend in Warsaw. On one hand I'm looking forward to see her, on the other I feel guilty because my partner will be staying at home. He knows we are very close so I'm sure he is fine with it.
• I think I know where I am! Finally I've "wrapped up" my thoughts and PART III will be posted soon.
• Pilates classes will start on Monday and I'll be righ there, front row. Hopefully, I'll do some Yoga as well.

Sleep tight

Follow up

Mapping Stereotypes

I shouldn't write this post

as I don't have spare time right now but I'm so disgusted and angry that I have to write it down here. Even in Sweden (!) xenophobic far right advances. It seems that Europe is going far right and I don't like that at all. We do need migrants but we don't want them. Let them starving in Africa, Pakistan or Afghanistan, let's pretend we are "better" only because we have been born in Italy, Norway, France or Germany, let's forget about civil rights which do not apply to "foreigners". The only European rule seems "the double standard": freedom of movement for the riches, freedom of dying for the poors.

I'll be back soon!

Coming weeks

I'll be both travelling and working hard in the next couple of weeks. Not sure I'll be able to update the blog so I'm afraid I'll be in touch with you no sooner than end of month.

Ps. I must confess that Rembember me is not a crap book! It's been a pleasant reading so far, light, funny but not stupid. I'll bring it with me along with this one.

*UPDATE*

The funny thing is that... 2 minutes after this post, I got an email from C. "I'll be back soon".... yeah, I know....

I really need to learn

to be more cautious.

A colleague of mine moves to another country for a while. We've been quite close recently but honestly I don't consider this person as a "friend". As soon as C. is abroad, I receive long and very personal emails mainly on how life is much better there and other issues related to work in Italy. C. writes me almost everyday and it seems as though we become "good" friends ... for -say- three weeks. Then something happens and I don't get what it is. All of a sudden C. stops writing. I ask what the hell is happening and C. replies "nothing, I'm just busy". Fine, I'll wait a couple of weeks but all I have from this person is silence. I haven't heard from C. for a couple of months but now we have to work together on a project. I get a very cold email about what we have do and then C. offers to help me because I'm supposed to do a job which is quite far from what I usually do. We work together and then silence again. Someone tells me that C. was in Italy this summer for a short period of time, really? I didn't know that.

The end of the story is that I don't understand people who behave like that.  I feel really stupid as I spent a great amount of time writing to C. I wrote personal stuff too and it wasn't a wise thing to do. You never know how people are, it takes time to get to know someone and I'm 34 so I should be much more careful. However, I'm the kind of person who is very open and generous: I listen, share thoughts and basically devote time to colleague and friends I feel empathy for.

I don't know what happened to C. and I don't even care at this point. The problem is that... C. is coming back to Italy. I don't know when but apparently very soon. I'll have to work with this person but this time there is no screen or physical distance between us....

Crap English Literature

After a challenging day I can't read Anna Karenina. So I go to the American Bookstore to buy a very light novel. Apparently they have a bunch of crap, I don't know where to look. Finally, I pick up the perfect crap book:

"Of all the crap, crap,crappy nights I've ever had in the whole of my crap life" (Prologue)

It seems just perfect! The cover is embarassing ugly, the book DOES not look intellectually stimulating: exactly what I need.

Sleep tight.

A missed opportunity

Shame on the EU.

Planning in advance

Ok, perhaps it’s a bit early to plan my Christmas gifts list but this year I really want to give a personal touch to the season. While I cannot hand-make everything, I can certainly knit at least two scarves for my best friends. S. & S. are very different from each other so the knitting patterns won’t be equal. I know their style and I’m committed to do something that will work with their preferences. I don’t want to spend a long time making a garment that will never be used! The main problem is that one of them is always very elegant and it seems challenging to match a knitting scarf with high heels or tailleurs unless it is a fashionable scarf … not sure I know how to do it. It is much easier to knit something (a scarf or a blanket) for my Canadian friend who is an easy going woman with NO interest in fashion.

Obviously I need to pick the right yarn and I already have in mind a couple of places for yarn shopping. I will shop with a family friend who offered to teach me how to knit a very nice and apparently easy pattern. I definitely need some advice.

However, those are just 3 gifts! What about my family & other friends/colleagues? Christmas cookies? Decorated coffee jars? I can’t come up with original ideas except for knitting projects. Any ideas?

MARIE SJØVOLD

She is a great photographer, isn't she?

Breakfast

Confession time

Alice Melville

If I ever get bored with my job, I'll open a tea house & patisserie.

Karenina for dummies

I found out (page 236, Italian version) that Anna is pregnant. She tells V.(her lover and the baby's father) who politely discusses with her the opportunity of leaving her husband. However, she is even more tormented now as she is torned between two different and intense kinds of love: her first son who is more likely to stay with her husband and V. who makes her immensely happy. She is also trapped in the social restraints imposed by the culture and the society she lives is and does't know what to do.  Is the quest for happiness worth it? Can she live without her son? How can she deal with the conventions of the Russian society?

to be continued

Late Cancer Show

Yesterday night I deliberately watched David Letterman because I knew Michael Douglas was there. He discussed his throat cancer and the severity of his conditions. Yet, he seemed so strong and determined to fight cancer that he looked like a teenager eager to taste life. I've just read an article on La Repubblica - my favourite Italian newspaper. I'm old fashioned: I don't read online newspapers, I still turn pages and I read  while I'm sipping my morning coffee. I will never give up this early morning pleasure- written by the well known Italian oncologist Umberto Veronesi. He claims that there has been a significant shift: cancer is not a taboo anymore and the fact that Michael Douglas made a public appearance and talked opening about his battle is very important. It may have an impact on both patients and society: he has cancer, he speaks about it and he seems a warrior enganged in a challenging but not impossible to win battle. According to Veronesi, this is a cultural revolution. I partially agree with him. We (Italians) are not there yet as there is a sort of "general embarassment" even if I'm not sure this is the right way to put it.  We tend to be more reticent to speak out and I can't imagine an Italian actor being so open about his illness after the first week of treatment. I wish we were so open but I'm afraid it will take us time to adjust to this important social and cultural revolution.

September 1st

I have:

1. 14 days to write a paper on a topic I don't like at all. Procastinating is not an option anymore. I should start thinking/writing right away but apparently I'm surfing on the Internet instead of focusing;
2. to stick to my plan. It's going ok. I have cut down on travels, except for a couple of days in Rome in September and perhaps 3-4 days in Warsaw (November, I'm planning to visit my Polish friend). My partner will have few days off in October and I'd like to go to Istambul. We will see, we haven't decided yet as it depends on my job commitments as well. The "pregnancy plan" is still on the horizon, we will work on that! Pilates and Yoga classes will start in October, in the meanwhile I enjoy long walks with my big boy and I'm doing my best to increase consuption of integral cereals and healthy food (i.e. the crumble!!). I'm keeping this blog updated and I'm even more aware now that I DON'T have reasons to complain.

Reading ...

And yet her soul was tortured, exposed. Even walking up the path to the church, confident as she was that in every respect she stood beyond all vulgar judgment, knowing perfectly that her appearance was complete and perfect, according to the first standards, yet she sufered a torture, under her confidence and her pride, feeling herself exposed to wounds and to mockery and to despite. She always felt vulnerable, vulnerable, there was a secret chink in her armour. She did not know herself what it was. It was a lack of robutst self, she had no natural sufficiency, there was a terrible void, a lack, a deficiency of being within her.

Love

Wild Berries Crumble

Part II

* PART I *

[So this how it goes: I write a post without editing it (this is why there are always mistakes but honestly I don't have time to time to write drafts) and then I think about it. Usually I involve my partner in this process and we have long conversations (if the topic is relevant) about the issues I have explored. He doesn't read this blog every day nor spends much time in front of the computer so I tell him to read this or that post. Yesterday night I explained to him this post and I felt as I had a better understanding of my own spiritual journery due to the above mentioned piece of writing. I've never put much thoughts on how blogs can be helpful to reframe our thinking. I'm keen to do more writing...]

I met this amazing man and he played a role in shaping my spiritual path. However, I didn't go to church for a while especially when I broke up with my partner for few months. I/we went through a period of crisis, I got sick and very anxious. I don't remember when and how, oh yes! It was Easter and I went to church. We were together again and we tryed to deal with our problems... and I did quit going to church.

More readings on Buddhism, especially in the summer. I don't know why the summer inspires Buddhist thinking to me. I had a surgery last year and I clearly remember why my mind was relatively calm the day before: the Buiddhist readings! I've never been so calm but to be honest it took me a long time to be like that. While recovering from the surgery I opened this blog and read a book written by a well known Italian journalist who converted to Catholicism (well, he was Catholic but in a sense he converted again) and now  regularly goes (and organizes pilgrimages) to Medjugorie. He has turned into a completly person and the book was fascinating. 

So am I Buddhist or Christian or both? Perhaps I am too a  Christian Buddhist or maybe I'm still  looking for "something" I can't quite put into words. Afterall, we are not human beings on a spiritual journey but spiritual beings on a human journey.

What is certain is that I'm inclined to continue this human journey in order find out more about my spirituality from different perspectives which CAN be brought together. I like reading the Bible (in English by the way! The New International Version is written in clear and modern English) but I want to learn how to meditate. I don't identify with a label. So far so good and I'm thankful for all the interesting online resources I've stumbled upon.

Spiritual paths

This is a good way to explain where I am now (in a spiritual sense): at the intersection between two traditions. In my never ending spiritual quest, I've met few people, read some books, had interesting conversations that brought me to this crossroad. The following is part I of the trip (it's a bit long... but it's worth it if one wants to know me better, plus it's even funny).

I was raised Catholic but soon lost interest in religion. When I moved to Canada in 2004 I happened to live with a free methodist pastor and his family. It was not a "choice", I was looking for an accomodation and the person I worked with suggested me to live with his friends without mentioning that they were all deeply involved with religion (and were quite young which struck me). They ended up being wonderful people and I loved living in a sort of religious community. They didn't ask me to go the church where he preached but I did go and it was ... a shock. The service went on for more than hour and half, the "church" didn't look like a church but it was an  "area" where people gathered, sang, read out loud passages of the bible. Don't take me wrong, there were rules to follow but -in comparison the Italian (=Catholic) way of approaching religion- it seemed a kind of strange and even awkard. First, the church was filled with young people and children, second the atmosphere was filled with joy and celebration. Forget the original sin and sense of guilt that is inherent to Catholic moral teachings: those people were happy, spirtual, friendly and even fun! I was deeply moved by this experience and went to the church every Sunday.

However, I felt far from being as religious as the claimed to be. Sometimes I was overwhelmed, especially by a housemate who believed herself to be the reincarnation of the Virgin Mary, I will never forget when her family came to visit her. We hugged while praying the in middle of the living room, at some point I even thought that I was being punk'd... but Ashton Kutcher didn't show up so I just thought that I was surrounded by crazy warriors of God. The first thing her dad asked me was: are you Christian? [WFT??!!] And then he said: let's pray together like he was saying -I don't know- let's have a coffee which would have made much more sense to me!

There were modern warriors/extremists who made me think and left me speachless but when I came back to Italy I felt more "attracted" to religion. As I didn't like going to the church here, I almost lost interest again but became interested in Buddhism and read several books about it. I didn't fully embrace buddhism as I  had a reluctance for reasons that I cannot explain. Buddhist philosophy is so different from my culture that I found it difficult to understand and practice.

I was far from any religious beliefs when I met K. on a business trip. We met in Split and one evening he told his touching story. K, a young and handsome man who looks healthy and strong, got cancer few years ago and went through many tough experiences. When he was in hospital he started reading the Bible and his life changed: he re-married his wife in a Catholic church, adoped three kids and had lived ever since following the Christian path.The day after, he brought me a small book: "it's good for prayers and meditation". It was good indeed and I read it on the plane.

To be continued...

I love this video (and poem)

enjoy. (via Nick)

Pretty Pregnant

Gianna Nannini: 54 and pregnant! wow... I  don't know how to comment.

You don't have to take me

seriously when I'm premenstrual as hell. I've always had bad premenstrual syndrome as I have everything that is described here (scary, eh?). I get depressed, I cry, I have mood swings and I feel really tired not just for a couple of days before my period but for 7-8 days. Moreover, I gain weight (1- 2 kilos before my period) as I give up my long walks habits and I eat a great amount of pasta and bread. I can tell you that it's a real nightmare and I should seek out treatment methods. Everything was fine when I was on birth control except for migranes with aura which is why I'm not on the pille anymore.

Anyway, I haven't forgotten my radical self care plan and I'm still commited to my writing as part of the overall "plan".

I enjoyed my summer holidays in Tuscany even though my partner joined us for a very short period of time. I read, walked and ate delicious and healthy food for the first two weeks then I was too hungy to stick with my plans and I gave up my healthy habits ;). That's the beauty of it, isnt' it? Betrayal! I read great books I would highly recommend to my lovely readers but -to my knowledge- they haven't been translated into English. It was a bit strange to read in Italian and it's even more weird now to write in English again after a real Italian summer surrounded by Italians words and thoughts only. I have to "warm up" my English, it's a bit rusty.

I'm suppose to be working on a paper and other stuff but I feel lazy after three relaxing weeks. I spend my days re-reading (I read it when I was 20, in my mid thirties it has a different flavour) Anna Karanenina, thinking about the future, checking emails, complaining for everything etc.

I'll do some housekeeping on the blog later on. Stay tuned!

It happens very often

so I'm not surprised at all. I don't feel confortable with my blog and I tell you why: I spent the whole summer WITHOUT Internet connection and did feel great. I didn't take my laptop with me and now technology to me is what it should be: a useful tool to work with. I don't see additional advantages to be honest. Perhaps this is just a phase (it is not the first time, my dear readers are familiar with it) but I just wanted to let you know that I won't be posting for a while.

A week? A month? A year?

don't know... 

Message in a bottle

Hi there,

as I'll be leaving pretty soon, this is going to be my last (and probably short) post. I'll be staying in Tuscany for a while with no connection to the Internet which is ... great! I won't check my email, won't type anything at all until the end the month. I'm looking forward to read, lay in the sun, get tan, swim, walk with my big boy, eat, drink and chat with nothing in mind except for all the pleasant things I will be doing. I do need some rest and I also need to enjoy life as it's been -as I mentioned somewhere- a tough year. I promise I'll try to stick to my radical self care plan.

Not sure I'll be writing a summer journal. It crossed my mind but everything seems too demanding right now, even writing my journal. In any case, it'll be in Italian so I'm not going to post it here. I'm sure I'll miss this private-public space and I'll miss my favourite blogs but hey, we all need a break from the computer isn't it?

So I'll have this long break until September.

Enjoy the summer, see you September 1st!

A fortune-teller told me

This is my favourite picture of him.

This very image of him came to visit me in one of my vivid dreams few years ago.

I'm reading A fortune-teller ... (in IT), strangely enough I picked it up yesterday. All of a sudden I realized that he died in July. I didn't recall the date though but I was sure it was this month. Since his death I've thought of him a lot, he has had a big impact on my work and my life.

Ss&G

I'm tired and I need a break. I'm looking forward to go to Tuscany but perhaps it would have been better to be alone for a while. It's been a tough year, I can feel it on my skin and my nerves. I love my mom but we also get into fights sometimes and I don't need additional stress. She cares about things which are important but not as vital as she thinks. I would like her to be less rigid as a lack of flexibility is the last thing I need on vacation.

I've seen by two best friends in the last couple of days and I'll be spending the afternoon with the third one (my best friends are a guy and two girls: hereafter Ss&G). There are all very close to me and so different from each other! If, on the one hand, I really want to spend time with G. today, on the other there's an aspect that makes me unconfortable: time. G. is the type of person who devotes a whole day to a friend. Not to mention a best friend! I love G.very much but I do need my own space after few hours. I mean, after 8 hours together I can't deny that I'm a bit overwhelmed by G. And I feel bad about it because I sincerly love Ss&G, however while S and I share the same vision of time (let's stay together for a couple of hours and that's it. No phone calls unless is necessary), s is similar to G (long phone calls and more than just few hours together: mornings, afternoons and evenings). s&G get overwhelming sometimes as they speak more than I do and need a huge amount of time to feel "connected" to me.

Anyway, I shouldn't complain as I have three wonderful friends I can fully rely on. I can always count on them which is rare these days.

Radical self care

So now I have this plan (yet again! But this is something I am fully committed). I've recently come across this concept of radical self care which basically means a period of time devoted to one's self as far physical and pshychological balance are concerned. It's a lifestyle which entails self care tailored to one's specific emotional, psychological, physical needs.

My radical plan starts this month and ends (does it have to end?!) in 2011.

1. What do I aim to achieve? I don't have specific goals (except for one, see the next point) as I don't feel unbalanced. However, we all deserve at some point few months to "heal" or recover from ... life! It doesn't mean that I'll quit my job, but I'll cut down on stress avoiding travels and commitments which are not inherently necessary. I am lucky as I can -to a certain extent- decide what I have and what I don't have to do. 
2. Priorities. I/we do have one priority which is getting pregnant soon. This perhaps relates to the first point as one doesn't need stress if she wants to get pregnant. My gynechologist says that this is the very right time to try as -after the surgery- I am now ready to have a baby.  It might take from one month to a year so I definitely need a long term radical self plan! I will also try not to read all those books about pregnancy because I really want to embrace this experience in the more natural way.
3. Physical and psychological strenght. I enjoyed Pilates very much, I'll sign up again for Pilates and also for Yoga classes at a tiny studio I really like. Moreover, long walks with big boy... which I had to stop few days ago because of the weather. It's too hot for us, we prefer air conditioning ;) While yoga enhaces the mental and psychological strenght, good books play a significant role too and I'd love to learn from inspiring books as much as I can.
4. Food and diet. My diet is, I think, very balanced. However, I should cut down on sugar (few months ago my glycemic index was a bit high) and increase the consuption of integral cereals.
5. Finding simplicity through inspirational resources such as Zen Habits and RowdyKittens. This is very important to me and I'll put all my efforts to "downsize" my life.
6. Writing, namely keep this blog updated as it is part of my self care! Blogprolific means thinking about my life, exploring private stuff and sharing. It's been a stimulating journey so far.
7. Enjoy what life brings me. I have no reason to complain.

Candy

I love it!

How it went

I see her with the baby is her arms. Here you are, she says, and your hair is red! Yes oh... so cute, she is beautiful! And I hug them. I'm nervous but the excitement of being around them is far more intense than my own tension. It's a good feeling, I am not unconfortable. We sit on the couch and start talking about her pregnancy, the birth and how she is. You look great, I say, and I mean it. She is slim and fit, it makes me feel as I had a baby! She has a flat stomach and a milky breast which is just perfect. If I had been pregnant for 9 months (of course!) and breastfeding for three weeks I'd look like moby dick.

She asks about my life, my job and my partner. They met more than 10 years ago and I'm not sure she recalls him. I don't know how you've done it so far, she says. You've never lived together, it's amazing. Our paths have been very different. She moved to Milan several years ago and lived alone for a while and then with her husband. I know she thinks that I'm not as "complete" as she is but I'm fine with that, this thought doesn't ruin the meeting.

She brestfeeds the baby in a way that is very natural to me. Unlike me, she is definitely born to be a mom. It took me years to realise that I have maternal instinct but yet I'm not 100% confortable with a baby in my arms as I am with ... a puppy! Perhaps I should dedicate my life to animals instead of dreaming about babies. I take the baby for a while and I glimpse in the mirror. Am I ready? I look like a teenager with her dolly.

We are relaxed now, the conversation is easy even if the air is filled with unspoken words and emotions. It seems we haven't met for a short period of time but it's been 6 long years. It's time to go and she wants to walk with me to the underground station. Thank you, she says, I really wanted to see you because it's such a crucial moment to me and it seemed wrong not to reconnect. It seemed also wrong at my wedding and you know what? I cried when I got the flowers you sent me.

A close hug before I go. We don't cry but our eyes are far from being dry.

I pretend to be rigid

but in fact I'm not. I can't stick with "rules" not even with plans except for things/people I really care. In my dreams I'm a really strict goal setter, in reality I'm like everybody else, rigid and soft at the same time. So I have decided to "break the blog vacation rule" because honestly it doesn't make any sense if I miss writing! I miss writing and reading in English even though I'd made up another rule: reading in Italian for a little while. I'll have to write a book in Italian in the near future so... it's better to warm up! No way. I read a book in Italian and then yesterday night I switched back to my Lolita that is wonderful, disturbing and written in an amazing English (I always feel like crap when I read Nabokov knowing that he wasn't mother tongue!). Oh my, what a marvellous prose!

Nabokov is my uncle's favourite writer. I don't think I've touched "my uncle" issue here. In any case, he is one of the most important person in my life and did have an impact on my cultural background. I see him everyday (more than my dad who would be mad if he comes across this post!) and I can't even imagine my life without this brilliant, strange, amazing man. It's difficult to describe such a person, he is just my zio and I love him the way he is. All this to say that Nabokov is dear to me because of my uncle even though I haven't read all his books. Like Tolkien. The first book my uncle gave me when I was a child was The Hobbit and I still have that book.

More writing to come...

A blog vacation

Hi there, it's June 30th. I'm leaving in 3 weeks and I aim at NOT spending July and August in front of my laptop except for work commitments.

This is blog is on vacation until August 31st. I'll be extensively writing on my moleskine so I'll probably post my summer journal here in September.

Enjoy the summer!

"There are many things that I would like to say to you

.. but I don't know how".

I'll see her (my shadow, my emotional knot) this afternoon. I can't escape, we have arranged to spend few hours together and I also have a present for her baby girl. I didn't sleep much, more or less 5 hours. I wonder if it's going to be as intense as it is my head.  I'm not concerned I'm just, I don't know, excited and sad at the same time. How will it be? Am I ready? Probably yes, I am ready now but I'm far too nervous to be natural. 

Earlier, on the train, I'd thought about "forgetting" the present on a seat and text her that I'm too busy today. After few seconds I realized that I have to deal with this sooner or later and it's better now than when we'll be too old for this kind of reunions.

I'm finishing The Hours and it crossed my mind that perhaps I could give it to her. I am too as Virginia Woolf, dying on a bed of roses as everything looks great in my life but I feel like all my energies were drying out. I should feel, at the age of 34, full of hopes, my head filled with plans and goals to achieve. I can see professional goals at the horizon but I can't see the contours of other utterly important personal achievements. No matter how hard I try, I cannot see that further. And honestly I should blame only myself  instead of my mum because she is not happy, my dad because has just remarried and is too happy and so forth. This is a common trend, I think, blaming someone else for being unhappy. I have to stop that as I'm am responsible for my own frustrations.

My past, an important friendship, a new person... will materialize in few hours in front of me. I'm not quite sure how to deal with my emotions, her feelings and a brand new baby. She will help us, though. 

Wish me good luck!

Plans

I've been so focused on writing lately that I need to "do something with my hands" (as I use to say. No, I don't use feet to write but I overwhelmingly use my brain and I need a break!). My plans for the next days include:

• make focaccia (well, buy focaccia) topped with mint, feta cheese and eggplants
• make (not buy) a tasty vegetarian pizza
• bake blueberry or rapspeberry sponge cake
• make something else I don't know yet but I'm sure it'll be good
• unplug from the Internet for at least -say- 24 hours
• walk, walk and walk with my big boy
• listen to my body
• read a book in ITALIAN (can't wait)
• get rid of things/ideas that are not significant to me
• enjoy every second spent with my partner
• create!

Let's get started.

Out of the shadow... into the light

I've taken your suggestions and -hopefully- I'll see her next week. I'm not sure as I've just replied to her email to arrange a meeting next week. They're planning to go to the mountains with the baby (who, by the way, is beautiful!) so I'm not sure if we're going to make it. We will see. I'm ready to meet her now and the baby will smooth everything.

Now it's not just me who dreams about her. My mum too! Isn't it strange? And also, when I think of her (like earlier this morning) I get an email. This is one of the strangest things I've ever experienced. However, I also think women have powerful energies and ancient instinctual wisdom. The "heart beneath the heart",  the untouchable essence of what lies underneath is what makes us connected.

Dreams and Tulips

I'm pretty busy so this is going to be short. However, I have to briefly mention here the great b&b where we spent the weekend: sogni e tulipani (dreams and tulips). The hospitality was great thanks to Margherita and Maurizio who treated us like friends not guests. Not to mention breakfast with home made focaccia, cakes and fresh cheese, eggs etc. Moreover, the area is really beautiful and food delicious almost everywhere. If you're looking for an old style place to eat traditional Piemontese food you can't miss Trattoria Concordia (San Martino Alfieri). It's challenging to describe this place: you have to go there, it's like a trip to the past!

Very random thoughts

I was excited about it and everything went really well! I do like very much him and I hope we get to know each other more. I mean, I felt I've known him for a long time because of his blog but reading someone and meeting face to face is different. I like both reading him and chatting with him which is very unusual to me. Several years ago I met a girl I got to know through a forum. It was such a shock! She was very different from the picture I had in mind and also after 10 minutes I realized she was interested in more than friendship. She was phisically attracted towards me, friendship wasn't really in her plans. Some day I'll write a long post about it.

**

This time is for real: we'll spend the weekend together in a lovely and romantic place. I'll work tomorrow morning and then, no matter if a devasting earthquake shakes the whole country, we WILL GO. We're even planning to turn off the cell phone. Big boy will be staying with his gradma... sometimes it's good to make love without a dog who stares and even barks (not always, but still!!).

**

We (me and my mum) are planning to go to his concert. We don't like his songs (we don't even know them) but he is one the sexiest men on earth so... who cares about music?!

**

Good night :)

+ o -

If you live in the Milan area and are interested in AIDS related issues, don't miss this and that. Honestly I don't get why it is within the gay, lesbian and queer culture festival as it should be of great interest to many people, regardless sexual orientations!

Silence, space and Mrs.Dalloway

It would have been a perfect afternoon to focus on writing. There's nobody around, it's a grey day and the space -usually filled with books, people, sounds- it is nearly empty. Instead, I constantly check my emails, speak on the phone, think about how I relaxed I am. Yes, I am "relaxing as it is", as my screen saver's statement says. I'm too relaxed, that's the problem... procastinating decisions and work commitments. I will be fine, I'll go through all I have to do in the next days. 

It's quiet to the extent I can hear my own thoughts. Ideas make noise, a soft pillow-like noise when one turns during sleep. It crossed my mind to call my shadow but I wasn't really serious about it. I could call her today, I thought after my vegan lunch, but I wasn't excited nor concerned. The idea fell flat while I was walking back to my office. Should I call her? I don't know, perhaps I could break the ice first, pick up the phone and ask how it is doing with her baby girl. Apparently she wrote on facebook that she is in love with her. I bet, she seems so cute!

My mum doesn't understand why I feel the urge to solve this emotional knot. She doesn't even think about all this as something that needs to be addressed as she knows how L. is and is much more skeptical than me. She doesn't think people could change, when friendship is over it's really over and that's it. However, she told me that if it's crucial to me, I should call/meet her. I still don't know what to do. By the way, after the baby was delivered I haven't dreamt of her anymore. I did have strange dreams though, I wish I had written them down.

I finished The Secret Life of Bees which I really enjoyed and just started The Hours. The movie based on the novel is simply amazing, I've seen it 4-5 times (perhaps even more). The book is written in a wonderful, marvelous, perfect English and the characters -three women who live in different times linked by Woolf's Mrs Dalloway- are so unique I don't even dare to describe. 

As Clarissa steps down from the vestibule her shoe make gritty contact with the red-brown, mica-studded stone of the first stair. She is fifty-two now, just fifty-two, and almost unnaturally good health. She feels every bit as good as she did that day in Wellfleet, at the age of eighteen, stepping out through the glass doors into a day very much like this one, fresh and almost painfully clear, rampant with growth. There were dragonflies zigzagging among the cattails. There was a grassy smell sharpened by pine sap. Richard came out behind her, put an hand on her shoulder, and said, "Why, hello, Mrs. Dalloway". (p.10)

A Lover's Discourse

I have the tendency to forget very quickly  my favourite writers and books except for few authors I'm deeply in love with. Today, thanks to Caterina, I recall one of them: Jeffrey Eugenides. I've read Middlesex three times, two in Italian and one in English. I gave this book to all my friends and family members and I've loved every single paragraph of this amazing story.

Just finished this short piece of fiction and realized that I'm (still) desperately in love with this author. Enjoy it... in extreme solitude.

Ps. Also, you shouldn't to miss this.

Light and tasty lunch