Wednesday, June 30, 2010

A blog vacation

Hi there, it's June 30th. I'm leaving in 3 weeks and I aim at NOT spending July and August in front of my laptop except for work commitments.
This is blog is on vacation until August 31st. I'll be extensively writing on my moleskine so I'll probably post my summer journal here in September.

Enjoy the summer!

Monday, June 28, 2010

"There are many things that I would like to say to you

.. but I don't know how".

I'll see her (my shadow, my emotional knot) this afternoon. I can't escape, we have arranged to spend few hours together and I also have a present for her baby girl. I didn't sleep much, more or less 5 hours. I wonder if it's going to be as intense as it is my head.  I'm not concerned I'm just, I don't know, excited and sad at the same time. How will it be? Am I ready? Probably yes, I am ready now but I'm far too nervous to be natural. 

Earlier, on the train, I'd thought about "forgetting" the present on a seat and text her that I'm too busy today. After few seconds I realized that I have to deal with this sooner or later and it's better now than when we'll be too old for this kind of reunions.

I'm finishing The Hours and it crossed my mind that perhaps I could give it to her. I am too as Virginia Woolf, dying on a bed of roses as everything looks great in my life but I feel like all my energies were drying out. I should feel, at the age of 34, full of hopes, my head filled with plans and goals to achieve. I can see professional goals at the horizon but I can't see the contours of other utterly important personal achievements. No matter how hard I try, I cannot see that further. And honestly I should blame only myself  instead of my mum because she is not happy, my dad because has just remarried and is too happy and so forth. This is a common trend, I think, blaming someone else for being unhappy. I have to stop that as I'm am responsible for my own frustrations.

My past, an important friendship, a new person... will materialize in few hours in front of me. I'm not quite sure how to deal with my emotions, her feelings and a brand new baby. She will help us, though. 

Wish me good luck!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


I've been so focused on writing lately that I need to "do something with my hands" (as I use to say. No, I don't use feet to write but I overwhelmingly use my brain and I need a break!). My plans for the next days include:
  • make focaccia (well, buy focaccia) topped with mint, feta cheese and eggplants
  • make (not buy) a tasty vegetarian pizza
  • bake blueberry or rapspeberry sponge cake
  • make something else I don't know yet but I'm sure it'll be good
  • unplug from the Internet for at least -say- 24 hours
  • walk, walk and walk with my big boy
  • listen to my body
  • read a book in ITALIAN (can't wait)
  • get rid of things/ideas that are not significant to me
  • enjoy every second spent with my partner
  • create!
Let's get started.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Out of the shadow... into the light

I've taken your suggestions and -hopefully- I'll see her next week. I'm not sure as I've just replied to her email to arrange a meeting next week. They're planning to go to the mountains with the baby (who, by the way, is beautiful!) so I'm not sure if we're going to make it. We will see. I'm ready to meet her now and the baby will smooth everything.

Now it's not just me who dreams about her. My mum too! Isn't it strange? And also, when I think of her (like earlier this morning) I get an email. This is one of the strangest things I've ever experienced. However, I also think women have powerful energies and ancient instinctual wisdom. The "heart beneath the heart",  the untouchable essence of what lies underneath is what makes us connected.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Dreams and Tulips

I'm pretty busy so this is going to be short. However, I have to briefly mention here the great b&b where we spent the weekend: sogni e tulipani (dreams and tulips). The hospitality was great thanks to Margherita and Maurizio who treated us like friends not guests. Not to mention breakfast with home made focaccia, cakes and fresh cheese, eggs etc. Moreover, the area is really beautiful and food delicious almost everywhere. If you're looking for an old style place to eat traditional Piemontese food you can't miss Trattoria Concordia (San Martino Alfieri). It's challenging to describe this place: you have to go there, it's like a trip to the past!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Very random thoughts

I was excited about it and everything went really well! I do like very much him and I hope we get to know each other more. I mean, I felt I've known him for a long time because of his blog but reading someone and meeting face to face is different. I like both reading him and chatting with him which is very unusual to me. Several years ago I met a girl I got to know through a forum. It was such a shock! She was very different from the picture I had in mind and also after 10 minutes I realized she was interested in more than friendship. She was phisically attracted towards me, friendship wasn't really in her plans. Some day I'll write a long post about it.
This time is for real: we'll spend the weekend together in a lovely and romantic place. I'll work tomorrow morning and then, no matter if a devasting earthquake shakes the whole country, we WILL GO. We're even planning to turn off the cell phone. Big boy will be staying with his gradma... sometimes it's good to make love without a dog who stares and even barks (not always, but still!!).
We (me and my mum) are planning to go to his concert. We don't like his songs (we don't even know them) but he is one the sexiest men on earth so... who cares about music?!
Good night :)

Thursday, June 17, 2010

+ o -

If you live in the Milan area and are interested in AIDS related issues, don't miss this and that. Honestly I don't get why it is within the gay, lesbian and queer culture festival as it should be of great interest to many people, regardless sexual orientations!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Silence, space and Mrs.Dalloway

It would have been a perfect afternoon to focus on writing. There's nobody around, it's a grey day and the space -usually filled with books, people, sounds- it is nearly empty. Instead, I constantly check my emails, speak on the phone, think about how I relaxed I am. Yes, I am "relaxing as it is", as my screen saver's statement says. I'm too relaxed, that's the problem... procastinating decisions and work commitments. I will be fine, I'll go through all I have to do in the next days. 

It's quiet to the extent I can hear my own thoughts. Ideas make noise, a soft pillow-like noise when one turns during sleep. It crossed my mind to call my shadow but I wasn't really serious about it. I could call her today, I thought after my vegan lunch, but I wasn't excited nor concerned. The idea fell flat while I was walking back to my office. Should I call her? I don't know, perhaps I could break the ice first, pick up the phone and ask how it is doing with her baby girl. Apparently she wrote on facebook that she is in love with her. I bet, she seems so cute!

My mum doesn't understand why I feel the urge to solve this emotional knot. She doesn't even think about all this as something that needs to be addressed as she knows how L. is and is much more skeptical than me. She doesn't think people could change, when friendship is over it's really over and that's it. However, she told me that if it's crucial to me, I should call/meet her. I still don't know what to do. By the way, after the baby was delivered I haven't dreamt of her anymore. I did have strange dreams though, I wish I had written them down.

I finished The Secret Life of Bees which I really enjoyed and just started The Hours. The movie based on the novel is simply amazing, I've seen it 4-5 times (perhaps even more). The book is written in a wonderful, marvelous, perfect English and the characters -three women who live in different times linked by Woolf's Mrs Dalloway- are so unique I don't even dare to describe. 

As Clarissa steps down from the vestibule her shoe make gritty contact with the red-brown, mica-studded stone of the first stair. She is fifty-two now, just fifty-two, and almost unnaturally good health. She feels every bit as good as she did that day in Wellfleet, at the age of eighteen, stepping out through the glass doors into a day very much like this one, fresh and almost painfully clear, rampant with growth. There were dragonflies zigzagging among the cattails. There was a grassy smell sharpened by pine sap. Richard came out behind her, put an hand on her shoulder, and said, "Why, hello, Mrs. Dalloway". (p.10)

Sunday, June 13, 2010

A Lover's Discourse

I have the tendency to forget very quickly  my favourite writers and books except for few authors I'm deeply in love with. Today, thanks to Caterina, I recall one of them: Jeffrey Eugenides. I've read Middlesex three times, two in Italian and one in English. I gave this book to all my friends and family members and I've loved every single paragraph of this amazing story.

Just finished this short piece of fiction and realized that I'm (still) desperately in love with this author. Enjoy it... in extreme solitude.

Ps. Also, you shouldn't to miss this.

Light and tasty lunch

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Anteprime, Pietrasanta (Tuscany)

I'm so sorry I've missed this festival as my favourite writer (watch the video to find out who he is) was in my favourite city! How good is that? Also Paul Auster, Roberto Saviano and other great novelists. I could have gone to Pietrasanta... each time I write here we go somewhere we end up staying at home. Well, I'm here alone, my partner works today.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Just wondering

Is aperitivo an Italian thing only? I couldn't live without it, especially in the summer. I like light aperitivi though, no pasta or rice. It's a big thing in Italy, not to mention is a way to socialize and have a good chat with friends over a drink. The difference between here and the UK is that we eat finger food and drink something while they mainly drink beer without eating. I couldn't do it as I'd get drunk right away.

It is also true that more than one aperitivo per week means gaining weight very quickly. That's what happens to me at least but I don't really care. It's one of those Italian habits I couldn't give up!

New template & summer plans

I hope you enjoy my new blog template. I love it! I'm aware my big boy face doesn't really fit with the flowers so I'm planning to remove it but it's hard as he is so cute up there and makes me feel at home. I'll give my readers few days to adjust ...

We have found a place to stay this summer with the dog. It's an apartment in Tuscany not far from the seaside and with a big terrace. There is also a garden to share with other tenants. The landlady is fine with the dog, perhaps because she doesn't know the size? Well, she didn't ask! We got to know her last year so she trusts us and as long as we don't leave big boy alone at home she is ok with him. I'm really glad we have found this place, I love the area: there are 8 kilometres of "free" beach (not sure this is the right word in English. How do you say? I don't mean a naturist beach but a beach that is not private) in a coastal park. It's unlikely we will spend the whole day laying in the sun because of the dog though. But I don't mind, I much prefer to have him with me, there are plenty of things to do anyway.

My main concern is that my partner won't be able to join us and I don't want to spend three weeks without him. He will have to work this summer, we don't know yet if he will have one week of vacation at some point. If he doesn't, I won't stay there for three weeks in a row. 

We are going to the moutain this weekend, I'm looking forward to relax before a really busy week. I feel much better off the pill: stronger, less nervous and even more feminine.

Have a good weekend.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Feeling my body

Pilates after two weeks of doing almost nothing except for long walks is tough! Wow, I can feel every single muscle of my legs & arms. However, I also feel stronger,  it seems as though I'm ready to fight agaist my enemies!

I do feel better these days. I sleep through the night but I have very strange nightmares. Once again, I think hormones play a key role. I'm not on birth control anymore as I had "silent migranes" (I think... I made my own diagnosis) and I got really scared. My body needs to start again on its own functions and it will take a while. I'm (or we?) still planning to get pregnant soon but I'll wait until my body gets back to normal cycles.

I don't know why I've started writing this post as I'm soo tired now. I should better reading the secrets of the lovely bees and sleeeeep like a baby.

Night, night (as my Canadian friends say).

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Reading The Secret Life of Bees

I like the epigraphs (and the book) at the beginnis of each chapter:

Honeybees are social insects and live in colonies. Each colony is a family unit, comprising a single, egg-laying female or queen and her many sterile daughters called workers. The workers cooperate in the food-gathering, nests building and rearing the offspring. Males are reared only at the times of year when their presence is required.

- Bees of the World

Saturday, June 5, 2010

The Queen of Paris

We love you Francesca! :)

Lao Tzu

Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Instinct and Rationality

Sometimes I feel I have lost my instincts because of intellectualism. However, my hormones do a better job than my brain: right before my period they knock on my instinctual psyche. All of a sudden I am aware of my innate "feminine power", as Pinkola Estés puts it*. I'm not cut out from soul voice anymore, I listen humbly to my eggs. They speak softly but also very clearly about my deepest emotions. I gain access to my wishes which are - I gather- very different from other's expectations of me. I want to be a mum, a writer and I also would like to master the art of cooking. As for writing, I do it  on a regular basis due to my job and I love it although I wish I had more time for creative writing. Perhaps this is something not so far from other's expectations. What would be very different and even strange is "mum Lola" or "Lola in the kitchen". I have been working on the second (well...maybe I should practice more) but not on the "mum" yet. Despite all my doubts and my intellectualization which has obscured my instinctual nature, I know this is the only thing that would make me happy. One, two, three kids and I'd become a better (warmer inside) woman and partner.

When I gain, through my eggs, a clear vision of my soul I can also see all the wasted energy materialized into meaningless efforts. I don't know how to stop these stupid efforts though, I don't know how to stop being ambivalent to embrace who I really am.

* this book is very inspiring to me.


I'm going through my blog's closets, getting rid of some links in my blogroll and adding others. I also have an About page now and I'm planning more housekeeping practices so... stay tuned!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010