And yet her soul was tortured, exposed. Even walking up the path to the church, confident as she was that in every respect she stood beyond all vulgar judgment, knowing perfectly that her appearance was complete and perfect, according to the first standards, yet she sufered a torture, under her confidence and her pride, feeling herself exposed to wounds and to mockery and to despite. She always felt vulnerable, vulnerable, there was a secret chink in her armour. She did not know herself what it was. It was a lack of robutst self, she had no natural sufficiency, there was a terrible void, a lack, a deficiency of being within her.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
* PART I *
[So this how it goes: I write a post without editing it (this is why there are always mistakes but honestly I don't have time to time to write drafts) and then I think about it. Usually I involve my partner in this process and we have long conversations (if the topic is relevant) about the issues I have explored. He doesn't read this blog every day nor spends much time in front of the computer so I tell him to read this or that post. Yesterday night I explained to him this post and I felt as I had a better understanding of my own spiritual journery due to the above mentioned piece of writing. I've never put much thoughts on how blogs can be helpful to reframe our thinking. I'm keen to do more writing...]
I met this amazing man and he played a role in shaping my spiritual path. However, I didn't go to church for a while especially when I broke up with my partner for few months. I/we went through a period of crisis, I got sick and very anxious. I don't remember when and how, oh yes! It was Easter and I went to church. We were together again and we tryed to deal with our problems... and I did quit going to church.
More readings on Buddhism, especially in the summer. I don't know why the summer inspires Buddhist thinking to me. I had a surgery last year and I clearly remember why my mind was relatively calm the day before: the Buiddhist readings! I've never been so calm but to be honest it took me a long time to be like that. While recovering from the surgery I opened this blog and read a book written by a well known Italian journalist who converted to Catholicism (well, he was Catholic but in a sense he converted again) and now regularly goes (and organizes pilgrimages) to Medjugorie. He has turned into a completly person and the book was fascinating.
So am I Buddhist or Christian or both? Perhaps I am too a Christian Buddhist or maybe I'm still looking for "something" I can't quite put into words. Afterall, we are not human beings on a spiritual journey but spiritual beings on a human journey.
What is certain is that I'm inclined to continue this human journey in order find out more about my spirituality from different perspectives which CAN be brought together. I like reading the Bible (in English by the way! The New International Version is written in clear and modern English) but I want to learn how to meditate. I don't identify with a label. So far so good and I'm thankful for all the interesting online resources I've stumbled upon.
Friday, August 27, 2010
This is a good way to explain where I am now (in a spiritual sense): at the intersection between two traditions. In my never ending spiritual quest, I've met few people, read some books, had interesting conversations that brought me to this crossroad. The following is part I of the trip (it's a bit long... but it's worth it if one wants to know me better, plus it's even funny).
I was raised Catholic but soon lost interest in religion. When I moved to Canada in 2004 I happened to live with a free methodist pastor and his family. It was not a "choice", I was looking for an accomodation and the person I worked with suggested me to live with his friends without mentioning that they were all deeply involved with religion (and were quite young which struck me). They ended up being wonderful people and I loved living in a sort of religious community. They didn't ask me to go the church where he preached but I did go and it was ... a shock. The service went on for more than hour and half, the "church" didn't look like a church but it was an "area" where people gathered, sang, read out loud passages of the bible. Don't take me wrong, there were rules to follow but -in comparison the Italian (=Catholic) way of approaching religion- it seemed a kind of strange and even awkard. First, the church was filled with young people and children, second the atmosphere was filled with joy and celebration. Forget the original sin and sense of guilt that is inherent to Catholic moral teachings: those people were happy, spirtual, friendly and even fun! I was deeply moved by this experience and went to the church every Sunday.
However, I felt far from being as religious as the claimed to be. Sometimes I was overwhelmed, especially by a housemate who believed herself to be the reincarnation of the Virgin Mary, I will never forget when her family came to visit her. We hugged while praying the in middle of the living room, at some point I even thought that I was being punk'd... but Ashton Kutcher didn't show up so I just thought that I was surrounded by crazy warriors of God. The first thing her dad asked me was: are you Christian? [WFT??!!] And then he said: let's pray together like he was saying -I don't know- let's have a coffee which would have made much more sense to me!
There were modern warriors/extremists who made me think and left me speachless but when I came back to Italy I felt more "attracted" to religion. As I didn't like going to the church here, I almost lost interest again but became interested in Buddhism and read several books about it. I didn't fully embrace buddhism as I had a reluctance for reasons that I cannot explain. Buddhist philosophy is so different from my culture that I found it difficult to understand and practice.
I was far from any religious beliefs when I met K. on a business trip. We met in Split and one evening he told his touching story. K, a young and handsome man who looks healthy and strong, got cancer few years ago and went through many tough experiences. When he was in hospital he started reading the Bible and his life changed: he re-married his wife in a Catholic church, adoped three kids and had lived ever since following the Christian path.The day after, he brought me a small book: "it's good for prayers and meditation". It was good indeed and I read it on the plane.
To be continued...
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
seriously when I'm premenstrual as hell. I've always had bad premenstrual syndrome as I have everything that is described here (scary, eh?). I get depressed, I cry, I have mood swings and I feel really tired not just for a couple of days before my period but for 7-8 days. Moreover, I gain weight (1- 2 kilos before my period) as I give up my long walks habits and I eat a great amount of pasta and bread. I can tell you that it's a real nightmare and I should seek out treatment methods. Everything was fine when I was on birth control except for migranes with aura which is why I'm not on the pille anymore.
Anyway, I haven't forgotten my radical self care plan and I'm still commited to my writing as part of the overall "plan".
I enjoyed my summer holidays in Tuscany even though my partner joined us for a very short period of time. I read, walked and ate delicious and healthy food for the first two weeks then I was too hungy to stick with my plans and I gave up my healthy habits ;). That's the beauty of it, isnt' it? Betrayal! I read great books I would highly recommend to my lovely readers but -to my knowledge- they haven't been translated into English. It was a bit strange to read in Italian and it's even more weird now to write in English again after a real Italian summer surrounded by Italians words and thoughts only. I have to "warm up" my English, it's a bit rusty.
I'm suppose to be working on a paper and other stuff but I feel lazy after three relaxing weeks. I spend my days re-reading (I read it when I was 20, in my mid thirties it has a different flavour) Anna Karanenina, thinking about the future, checking emails, complaining for everything etc.
I'll do some housekeeping on the blog later on. Stay tuned!
Monday, August 23, 2010
so I'm not surprised at all. I don't feel confortable with my blog and I tell you why: I spent the whole summer WITHOUT Internet connection and did feel great. I didn't take my laptop with me and now technology to me is what it should be: a useful tool to work with. I don't see additional advantages to be honest. Perhaps this is just a phase (it is not the first time, my dear readers are familiar with it) but I just wanted to let you know that I won't be posting for a while.
A week? A month? A year?