A different stage

It's pouring raining and I'm staying at home. Not for the rain, even if it would be a good reason to stay inside. This damp and gray morning makes me think about this stage of my life. I have been dealing with some challenges in the last few weeks. I haven't spent enough quality time with my soul mate. He has been very busy and when we are together we are often tired and/or nervous. We had planned to move in together by the end of this year but the renovation works take longer than expected. The option might be to temporarily move to another place and we are seriously thinking about it. It's not that simple as we need to find a place for few months and there is only one possibility which seems reasonable. However, other people are involved (I do want to go into details here) and more talk is needed. Hopefully, we will sort this out in the following days. I really want to move in with him as soon as possibile. I can't wait any longer and I'm sure our relationship will benefit from living together: we desperately need to live our own life!

More over, I feel completely disconnected from my work. I've realised that I'm not as passionate about my work as I used to be. As above mentioned, this is perhaps just a stage but I don't know how to cope with those unpleasant feelings. They have been "knocking on my head" for a long time and I just can't drop these thoughts as they were not important.

On the plus side, I am getting involved (and I am passionate about it!) in politics. Like many Italians, I'm fed up with Mister B. and I think it's time to get actively involved in order to change the political landscape. I go to local meetings and I support a political party.

I also feel the urge to write and share my thoughts, projects (i.e. knitting stuff) etc. on my blog. It seems that writing keeps me alive and I'd like to move ahead. There's nothing professional in this blog, but I would like a more stylish way to put content on the web as I'm planning to open a virtual shop to sell my handmake scarves.

Underground Cathedrals & Books & something else

We're going to see some underground cathedrals (see also here) this coming weekend: I can't wait as I love that area. My partner has found a very romantic place to stay. He is pretty good at it ;) We'll be back on Monday afternoon... I can't miss Pilates. I guess I'll need to work out next week:

- tomorrow: lunch with my best friend (pasta with zucchini, mint and fresh ricotta plus dessert);

- Saturday: lunch to celebrate my dad's birthday at a well known (and very good) restaurant not too far from where I live. Dinner with friends (homemade pizza);

- Sunday: Piedmontese cuisine at lunch and dinner, namely not so light food and excellent wines.

- Monday: + 3 kg!

I've just bought two novels written by very good Italian writers: Niccolò Ammaniti and SandroVeronesi. I don't know if their books have been translated into English. Google them, Ammaniti's and Veronesi's books are always worth reading. 

I've been busy lately and I haven't had time to write about a meeting with someone I haven't seen for more than 20 years. She gave me a picture of us when we were 10 years old ... good memories and nostalgia. I'll write soon about it.

I am far better now than last summer which is unusual as one always feels great on holidays. It is possibly related to several aspects. My mom, who has been suffering from a chronic disease for a long time, is doing very well. I can't quite believe it, she is a different person. I love her so much, we are very close and it's great to see her living again. She is busy renewing her house and seems very excited about it. Pilates and Feldenkrais have changed my perspective and I have been changing... for the better (as one of my colleagues told me yesterday). We have been planning our life together and after 13 years I can see major changes coming up. We'll move in together very soon and hopefully have kids. 

Have a good weekend :)

Perspectives

I have put considerable efforts to accomplish professional goals. I really like my job but it is not quite what I expected. I should focus more on relevant issues rather than on things which are far from my responsibility and expertise. Not to mention that I have changed a lot and I have other interests now and private goals I would love to achieve in the near future. My career is not as important to me as it was few years ago and I am certainly open to new job opportunities.

I might open a tea house and pastry shop or even sell my knitting products (well, my scarves). By the way, I'm thinking about uploading a picture of a scarf here and see if someone is interested. I won't make a living with scarves but still, it will be a nice try. If I lost my job I'd probably become seriously involved with Feldenkrais and would try to become a certified teacher.

Until few years ago I wasn't aware of my "body" and of the strict links between body and mind. I wasn't into body & mind issues as books and culture were my main interests. I hadn't been familiar with my body for many years until: a) I stumbled upon a book (this is my way to deal with problems: reading inspiring books); b) I  made a big mistake c) I asked myself what happened to my soul voice d) I underwent a surgery. After all this I realised how much I had lost: my instinctual nature was buried under intellectualism. I dealt with my frustrations and changed my perseptive on life: I don't work anymore on weekends, I listen to my body and I can see the body/mind connections. I've been working on breathing, posture and how to improve my well- being that might be or not related to my daily job. We all have to cope with job related problems, now I am able to put them into the right perspective: job is very important but not as essential as health. I do my best but I don't get stuck: I move on as there are other things in life. It may be sound obvious but it wasn't obvious to me until -as mentioned above- few years ago.

As a writer I love claims, women (I would say human beings) have a soul need to express themselves and they must blossom in ways that are sensible to them. I think I have found ways to blossom which are very important to me and I like sharing and speaking my truth in a clear voice. I'm not obsessed with my job anymore and I do feel much better! Perhaps I've figured out how to open my chakras ;)

It's gray

or grey?

I'm not in the mood for anything except for knitting and reading which I can certainly do given that I work at home today. I feel a bit dizzy but I don't know why. It might be related to PMS or even to Feldenkrais as it  releases tensions and I tend to somatize stress. I even didn't go out for a walk with big boy this morning! Anyway, I don't feel bad just... well, I'm sure you are all familiar with "not in the mood" days. I wish I had Pilates today and I also wish I haven't caught the flu!

On the positive side, we'll be going to the mountains until Monday to celebrate my partner's birthday. Hopefully my mood will improve (I'm sure it will). Just the two of us, so it will be a romantic gateway. The poor guy will try to relax and especially to sleep longer in the morning. I usually get up between 6:30 and 7:30 without an alarm clock: I'll finish the first scarf and begin the second while he snores.

Perhaps we will go the mountains also next week to attend a meditation seminar which will be held in a Buddhist monastery. Honestly, it's me who is interested but is he is too sensitive and good to say no. While I'll desperately try to calm my mind, he will fall asleep (guess why I call him sloth?!). I need a sloth, though, as I'm the opposite. I couldn't live with someone like me! He is always calm, easygoing, almost never upset or concerned, balanced and above all he likes sleeping. I have to go to bed before midnight in order to get enough sleep. No matter if he gets to bed at 10 p.m. or 3 a.m. ... he doesn't wake up until someone barks or shouts in his ears. I do wake up if I hear a butterfly flying outside my bedroom window (this is also why I've never moved to a big city: I need SILENCE).

I must confess that in more than 10 years together I've learned how to be less anxious but it has been a longat I have an unknown illness with high mortalty (and neve process and some efforts are still required. I'm better off now because of my sweet sloth and my interest in oriental philosophies otherwhise I would never sleep through the night and probably never stop thinking thr stop checking signs of ovulation: "we have to do it NOW, ok?" Yes, I tend to be this kind of person).

my partner climbing his favourite tree ;)

I shall stop writing ( *random SHORT thoughts*)

things like "cut down on travel" as it seems IMPOSSIBLE to stick to this plan. I've just found out that I have to go to Belgium next week (!). I  tried to decline but it seems as though I can't say no. Fine, I'll go for 24 hours.

My front teeth still has problems and we have to wait at least 15 days to take a decision. I'm a bit concerned but there's not much I can do at the moment. I am not too optimistic though.

As you can imagine, I'm pretty busy and I don't know when I'll be able to sit down, think and write like I used to do. I miss my blog and your blogs as well! However, in the evenings -when I'm too tired to switch on my laptop- I enjoy knitting and my first scarf looks good... so far.

I have just received this: hopefully not the uncorrected version! I'm looking forward reading it but I know how Franzen writes so perhaps this is not the right time to immerse myself in his book. Rather, I'll start reading this one and let you know about it.

Speak to you soon

What's going on here part II

1. extremely busy. I don't have time to write a proper post, but I want to keep you posted
2. big boy gave me a headbutt on my front teeth two days ago. He didn't do it intentionally but the pain was quite severe and I still have to do some medical checks as the nerve might be damaged. It still hurts even though it's getting better. I must admit that I cried for an hour but I wasn't able to admonish him.
3. Ok, I promised to cut down on travel but there is a chance to spend few days in Vilnius and I can't say no! I've heard it's a wonderful city so I keep my fingers crossed as it depends on my work. Moreover, I truly hope we can go somewhere for my partner's birthday (October 11th), we both need a holiday.
4. I'll be going here on Saturday  to celebrate a friend of mine: can't wait! It's a nice place and there's a good reason to celebrate her achievements.

I think that's all for now. 

Coming weeks

I'll be both travelling and working hard in the next couple of weeks. Not sure I'll be able to update the blog so I'm afraid I'll be in touch with you no sooner than end of month.

Ps. I must confess that Rembember me is not a crap book! It's been a pleasant reading so far, light, funny but not stupid. I'll bring it with me along with this one.

I really need to learn

to be more cautious.

A colleague of mine moves to another country for a while. We've been quite close recently but honestly I don't consider this person as a "friend". As soon as C. is abroad, I receive long and very personal emails mainly on how life is much better there and other issues related to work in Italy. C. writes me almost everyday and it seems as though we become "good" friends ... for -say- three weeks. Then something happens and I don't get what it is. All of a sudden C. stops writing. I ask what the hell is happening and C. replies "nothing, I'm just busy". Fine, I'll wait a couple of weeks but all I have from this person is silence. I haven't heard from C. for a couple of months but now we have to work together on a project. I get a very cold email about what we have do and then C. offers to help me because I'm supposed to do a job which is quite far from what I usually do. We work together and then silence again. Someone tells me that C. was in Italy this summer for a short period of time, really? I didn't know that.

The end of the story is that I don't understand people who behave like that.  I feel really stupid as I spent a great amount of time writing to C. I wrote personal stuff too and it wasn't a wise thing to do. You never know how people are, it takes time to get to know someone and I'm 34 so I should be much more careful. However, I'm the kind of person who is very open and generous: I listen, share thoughts and basically devote time to colleague and friends I feel empathy for.

I don't know what happened to C. and I don't even care at this point. The problem is that... C. is coming back to Italy. I don't know when but apparently very soon. I'll have to work with this person but this time there is no screen or physical distance between us....

You don't have to take me

seriously when I'm premenstrual as hell. I've always had bad premenstrual syndrome as I have everything that is described here (scary, eh?). I get depressed, I cry, I have mood swings and I feel really tired not just for a couple of days before my period but for 7-8 days. Moreover, I gain weight (1- 2 kilos before my period) as I give up my long walks habits and I eat a great amount of pasta and bread. I can tell you that it's a real nightmare and I should seek out treatment methods. Everything was fine when I was on birth control except for migranes with aura which is why I'm not on the pille anymore.

Anyway, I haven't forgotten my radical self care plan and I'm still commited to my writing as part of the overall "plan".

I enjoyed my summer holidays in Tuscany even though my partner joined us for a very short period of time. I read, walked and ate delicious and healthy food for the first two weeks then I was too hungy to stick with my plans and I gave up my healthy habits ;). That's the beauty of it, isnt' it? Betrayal! I read great books I would highly recommend to my lovely readers but -to my knowledge- they haven't been translated into English. It was a bit strange to read in Italian and it's even more weird now to write in English again after a real Italian summer surrounded by Italians words and thoughts only. I have to "warm up" my English, it's a bit rusty.

I'm suppose to be working on a paper and other stuff but I feel lazy after three relaxing weeks. I spend my days re-reading (I read it when I was 20, in my mid thirties it has a different flavour) Anna Karanenina, thinking about the future, checking emails, complaining for everything etc.

I'll do some housekeeping on the blog later on. Stay tuned!

Very random thoughts

I was excited about it and everything went really well! I do like very much him and I hope we get to know each other more. I mean, I felt I've known him for a long time because of his blog but reading someone and meeting face to face is different. I like both reading him and chatting with him which is very unusual to me. Several years ago I met a girl I got to know through a forum. It was such a shock! She was very different from the picture I had in mind and also after 10 minutes I realized she was interested in more than friendship. She was phisically attracted towards me, friendship wasn't really in her plans. Some day I'll write a long post about it.

**

This time is for real: we'll spend the weekend together in a lovely and romantic place. I'll work tomorrow morning and then, no matter if a devasting earthquake shakes the whole country, we WILL GO. We're even planning to turn off the cell phone. Big boy will be staying with his gradma... sometimes it's good to make love without a dog who stares and even barks (not always, but still!!).

**

We (me and my mum) are planning to go to his concert. We don't like his songs (we don't even know them) but he is one the sexiest men on earth so... who cares about music?!

**

Good night :)

Reading The Secret Life of Bees

I like the epigraphs (and the book) at the beginnis of each chapter:

Honeybees are social insects and live in colonies. Each colony is a family unit, comprising a single, egg-laying female or queen and her many sterile daughters called workers. The workers cooperate in the food-gathering, nests building and rearing the offspring. Males are reared only at the times of year when their presence is required.

- Bees of the World

If you only have 20 minutes

click here.

Reconnecting with myself

Although I've been very busy lately, I've also taken time to reconnect with myself. I have become aware of the fact that my body is as important as my brain and I do exercize almost every day. 45 minutes brisk walking and pilates once a week. I am also willing to take up Tai Chi, there will be a free class at my tiny tainy cultural association next week. Pilates is great but as I already mentioned, it 's also very difficult as one has to be constantly focused. I wish I had classes at leat twice a week until September instead of a short course. I am much more aware of my body and my posture and I enjoy that Pilates is slow and controlled so that I have time to adjust my entire body to it. It takes patience though.

I have also changed my diet and I do feel much better even if ... London was far too cold for me and I still have cough and sore throat. I'm now trying with raw garlic which has several health benefits (inter alia, it's a powerful antibiotic), including fighting cough. The main problem with garlic is kissing ;). Don't chew it and you won't have garlic breath.

I feel relaxed and happy with my body also because sexual life is now back to normal. It was so challenging  to deal with sexual related problems due to tough hormonal treatment before and right after surgery. I missed intimacy but I didn't feel confortable with my body. My partner has been incredibly sweet and patient, I'm so lucky.

At this stage of my life, reconnecting with myself means embracing my vulnerabilities and rediscovering my body.

London, Pilates and tips

I'm leaving on Monday and I won't be able to update this blog for a week which is a shame because I'd love to tell you about my crazy (=busy) days in London. I'll meet all my friends on Monday evening and  we'll be working hard until Thursday. I don't have any special plans for Friday and Saturday but I'll be with two girlfriends so I'm sure we'll have fun.

I had my first pilates class yesterday and I enjoyed so much although I found it quite difficult. It's challenging to learn how to breath in a proper way and it takes a while to achieve good alignment and posture. I signed up for a 3 months course, 1 day a week at a sort of "cultural association". I like the fact that we are only 5 (!)and the teacher is really focused on us. I also like the non-gym environment and the lovely girls I met yesterday. I'm eager to learn and I'm looking forward to the second class (after London).

I will try to "work out" while in London as I'm sure I'm going to miss brisk walking with my baby boy. I'm planning to go for 30 minutes walk every -say- 2 days. I don't want to stop using my legs for a whole week! Moreover I feel better (psychologically and physically) when I move. I've recently realized that I've developed my own ways to deal with stress (or life?) which, by the way, are pretty similar to these tips:

• go to bed early (between 11 and 12)
• drink a lot of water, especially in the morning
• take royal jelly in spring and autumn
• reduce meat and bread consumption and eat much more vegetables and fruits (very easy as I used to be a vegetarian)
• focus on one deadline at a time ;)

I was planning to work this morning but the weather is great and I don't want to miss the chance to go brisk walking for the last time before leaving with my big boy.

"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here" (Dante)

I shall abandon all hope in the coming weeks as I will be super busy with:

• another TIGHT deadline --- damn it! I should have said NO but now it's too late I'll end up working at nights... no kidding;
• a week in London which entails both being super professional and (hopefully) having fun + catching up with friends (not sure I'll be able to update the blog from there);
• pilates on Fridays --- damn it! I should have said NO but now it's too late I'll end up going in a very bad mood;
• a surprise party for one of my best friends ---- damn it! I should have said NO but now it's too late and we'll end up going, pretending to get along with other "people" we barely know;
• ... what else? If I abandon all hope, I won't forget good wine. It might be of help in the coming weeks along with coffee & chocolate.

Knots

There is an unsolved emotional knot in my life: L. She was my best friend for a long time. We went to high school together and stayed in touch while in college. We also attended the same University and spent a great amount of time together: holidays, weekend and so forth. We grew up sharing our experiences about our first crushes on boys and deep feelings on life and family. I didn’t notice there was a problem between us until I met my current partner when I was around 20. I broke up with C. and fell desperately in love with him.

During this life revolution L. basically disappeared claiming she had troubles with her family which was only partly true. While on one hand I suffered, on the other I enjoyed my brand new love without putting much thoughts into her weird behavior. After few months, she told me the truth: she did have troubles but she was also a bit jealous of me who –unlike her- always had boyfriends. All of a sudden I realized that her jealousy had deep roots: I was the “nice” and thin one opposed to slightly overweight and not so nice girl. Boys had a crush on me, not on her. I had an open minded family while she had to fight daily against a catholic mentality. My mum was a beautiful and independent woman who raised me with strong ethical and laic principles while hers was a fake catholic dependent from the husband.

As soon as I became aware of all the envy, I “broke up” with L. In 2004 we met for the last time as I was leaving for Canada and she wanted to say goodbye. She was a completely different person: very thin and fit, focused on her physical appearance and proud to have a partner.

She is married and pregnant now. Sometimes she sends me text messages for Christmas or for my birthday. When I get a message I dream of her. It’s very strange as I don’t think about her during the day but she hunts me at night. Last night I even dreamt of her brother. Obviously she is an emotional knot, perhaps because she was the first big delusion in my life. I can’t get rid of her and I wish I could tell L. what I feel. Last year she tried to get in touch with me but I didn’t want to see her. However, deep inside of me, I would like to solve this knot and see her, speak out loud all my feelings.

5:15 a.m.

I'm obsessed with deadlines. I woke up at five fifteen today thinking about references, articles etc. I was done with my job by 10:30 and I have done everything I could. I'm working with other colleagues so I shouldn't feel entirely resposible but I do! In any case, I'm going to send the works by tomorrow as I can't stand them anymore.

I wonder if I will have time to relax on my birthday (Pasquetta, the day after Easter). I'm planning to celebrate with my dad on Saturday and with my family on Sunday. Well, my dad is indeed part of my family but my parents divorced several years ago and even though I'm close to him, he has a brand new wife now (as a consequence, new family obligations). As he won't be able to come with us, he'd asked me to have lunch with him the day before which is fine... as long as the new stronza-wife doesn't bother us. 

Ok, I should better stop thinking, working, speaking. I'll probably go to bed around 9 tonight.

Red and random thoughts

Hi there, I've just met the second -and most important- deadline. Oh my, it has been stressfull and tiring but I am satisfied with my work. I know it's not "perfect" but I am proud of what I have done. So proud that I was off this morning to change haircut + color. I have fancy (very light) red nuances and I can't wait to see my friend's face in less than an hour. My partern likes it (well, via skype he says that I look good). I know these are trivial matters but after a whole month spent on historical books and quite complex topics I need to think about hairs and nails to relax.

I have trip plans for April and May. I'll be in London for a week right after Easter. It's a biz trip but I'll have a couple of days off to visit the city. We're  going to Sicily at the end of April to enjoy the sun, food and lovely places we're planning to see. It will be short but we definitely need to spend time together, besides Sicily is one of my favourite islands.

I do also have plans for the weekend. I'll make a chocolate pear cake with mascarpone instead of butter and I also would like to bake some bread. I NEED to use my hands as my head has had enough serious thoughts. Last sunday we went to the lake with our big boy and it wa so great. He had a blast and we had fun too. It's such a joy to see him running freely.

I have back and neck pain as I've spent a great amount of time in front of my laptop lately. I'm not going to spend 5 more minutes, have a nice week end. Ciao

Hidden fire

The main risk when one is so focused on writing is losing touch with reality. I don't bake, dress up, go out anymore: I am absorbed in my thoughts. Moreover writing in another language is a significant effort, I'm exhausted at the end of the day. I can't even speak sometimes. I have become to realize that this is one of the few things I'm good at. Not sure I could do something else.

One of the main reason why I'm so looking forward to have a baby is being closer to my inner nature. I'm much more than my writings, have a look under the surface! There's a hidden fire.

Don't call me, please

Don't get me wrong: I do love my best friends. I love chatting with them and spending time with them and their families. What I can't stand is speaking on the phone for hours every single week. I don't see the point as there's the Internet and moreoever we see each other every -say- 8-10 days. It's fucking stupid to me to chat on the phone for 45 minutes (that's the average time for some of them) AFTER dinner when I'm usually tired and the last thing I want to do is speaking.

The problem is that I'm getting rude, sometimes I don't answer or I pretend to be too busy to call. S. is very similar to me: we write emails and make arrangements to meet up. There's NO need to chat on the phone. Another S. who -by the way- is very close to me doesn't understand me: she has to spend a certain amount of her life on the phone, otherwise it's not worth living. My male best friend doesn't live close to my hometown but still... what the hell can I do to avoid at least from 30 to 45 minutes every week? I hate waisting time on the phone. I do care about them but I wish they used the Internet just a little bit more.

... I'm supposed to be on the phone with one of the friends I mentioned above right now. But I've forgot (!!)  my mobile downstairs...sorry about that. It's saturday, don't you dare to call me please.