A colleague of mine moves to another country for a while. We've been quite close recently but honestly I don't consider this person as a "friend". As soon as C. is abroad, I receive long and very personal emails mainly on how life is much better there and other issues related to work in Italy. C. writes me almost everyday and it seems as though we become "good" friends ... for -say- three weeks. Then something happens and I don't get what it is. All of a sudden C. stops writing. I ask what the hell is happening and C. replies "nothing, I'm just busy". Fine, I'll wait a couple of weeks but all I have from this person is silence. I haven't heard from C. for a couple of months but now we have to work together on a project. I get a very cold email about what we have do and then C. offers to help me because I'm supposed to do a job which is quite far from what I usually do. We work together and then silence again. Someone tells me that C. was in Italy this summer for a short period of time, really? I didn't know that.
The end of the story is that I don't understand people who behave like that. I feel really stupid as I spent a great amount of time writing to C. I wrote personal stuff too and it wasn't a wise thing to do. You never know how people are, it takes time to get to know someone and I'm 34 so I should be much more careful. However, I'm the kind of person who is very open and generous: I listen, share thoughts and basically devote time to colleague and friends I feel empathy for.
I don't know what happened to C. and I don't even care at this point. The problem is that... C. is coming back to Italy. I don't know when but apparently very soon. I'll have to work with this person but this time there is no screen or physical distance between us....
The end of the story is that I don't understand people who behave like that. I feel really stupid as I spent a great amount of time writing to C. I wrote personal stuff too and it wasn't a wise thing to do. You never know how people are, it takes time to get to know someone and I'm 34 so I should be much more careful. However, I'm the kind of person who is very open and generous: I listen, share thoughts and basically devote time to colleague and friends I feel empathy for.
I don't know what happened to C. and I don't even care at this point. The problem is that... C. is coming back to Italy. I don't know when but apparently very soon. I'll have to work with this person but this time there is no screen or physical distance between us....
Yes, I SO understand this and I'm much older than you!
ReplyDeleteV used to say that I was too trusting. I think not. I still trust people until they show to be untrustworthy - for me, trust in a friendship is crucial. However, on the other hand, I am dreadfully bad at staying in touch with people. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that, unless I have something (and I mean really something)to say, then I don't see the point of conversations that go nowhere and I hate the emails that, after 'How are you?' don't have anything to say or the telephone calls that, within moments, fail because there is no news.
If I ever go silent on you - it is only because I don't know what to say rather than anything else, I assure you :-)
I now have a similar problem with V who has 'defriended' me on Facebook and depsite me asking (three times) will not tell me why. Or, perhaps, more likely, he is too embarrassed by the fact that there is no really good reason. It annoyed me at first but now I think, OK, well, we're not together and, really, would I be friends with him (I mean REAL friends) if we hadn't had 20 years together? I think, on balance, knowing how he is with his friends, probably not. So, maybe, this is not a bad thing.
Friendships are a minefield. And subject to whims and perceived slights and things like that. But my advice would be to continue to trust people and make friends with them. For all the bad ones, the few that turn out to be genuine, long-lasting friends are worth all the ones that fade and wither and more. ;-)
Oh ok, so I'm not alone in this bloody narnia world :D (see my answer to your comment on crap English literature).
ReplyDeleteI agree with you, I don't like pointless conversations too. Not to mention phone calls. However the emails I mentioned did have a meaning... at least, they were meaningful to me!
I'm surprised V "defriended" you. Perhaps is not a bad thing but it's a bit strange even though you wouldn't be friend with him after 20 years together.
I'll continue to be too trusting, exactly like you. Simply because I can't help it. I am like that!
ps. don't go silent on me, OK???!!
:-D Yes, it IS like Narnia!
ReplyDeleteI can't help it either. I shall continue to be trusting (I hope). Mostly, it works out for the best.
p.s. I'll try really hard not to go silent ;-)
This is what happened to me. I had this friend whom I felt really close to. We chatted a lot. We even met various times. We went places together, he met my friends, some of my family. I specify: we were never more than friends. I thought we had a good dialogue. I told him very intimate things about my life, he did the same. All of a sudden, for no apparent reason, he decided that I belonged "to a different tribe" and stopped talking to me. He never replied my mails anymore, he refused my "friendship" on facebook, he cancelled me from his life. I didn't know what to think. I just cannot conceive this type of behaviour.I will never understand what happened.
ReplyDelete