Knots

There is an unsolved emotional knot in my life: L. She was my best friend for a long time. We went to high school together and stayed in touch while in college. We also attended the same University and spent a great amount of time together: holidays, weekend and so forth. We grew up sharing our experiences about our first crushes on boys and deep feelings on life and family. I didn’t notice there was a problem between us until I met my current partner when I was around 20. I broke up with C. and fell desperately in love with him.

During this life revolution L. basically disappeared claiming she had troubles with her family which was only partly true. While on one hand I suffered, on the other I enjoyed my brand new love without putting much thoughts into her weird behavior. After few months, she told me the truth: she did have troubles but she was also a bit jealous of me who –unlike her- always had boyfriends. All of a sudden I realized that her jealousy had deep roots: I was the “nice” and thin one opposed to slightly overweight and not so nice girl. Boys had a crush on me, not on her. I had an open minded family while she had to fight daily against a catholic mentality. My mum was a beautiful and independent woman who raised me with strong ethical and laic principles while hers was a fake catholic dependent from the husband.

As soon as I became aware of all the envy, I “broke up” with L. In 2004 we met for the last time as I was leaving for Canada and she wanted to say goodbye. She was a completely different person: very thin and fit, focused on her physical appearance and proud to have a partner.

She is married and pregnant now. Sometimes she sends me text messages for Christmas or for my birthday. When I get a message I dream of her. It’s very strange as I don’t think about her during the day but she hunts me at night. Last night I even dreamt of her brother. Obviously she is an emotional knot, perhaps because she was the first big delusion in my life. I can’t get rid of her and I wish I could tell L. what I feel. Last year she tried to get in touch with me but I didn’t want to see her. However, deep inside of me, I would like to solve this knot and see her, speak out loud all my feelings.