Sometimes I feel I have lost my instincts because of intellectualism. However, my hormones do a better job than my brain: right before my period they knock on my instinctual psyche. All of a sudden I am aware of my innate "feminine power", as Pinkola Estés puts it*. I'm not cut out from soul voice anymore, I listen humbly to my eggs. They speak softly but also very clearly about my deepest emotions. I gain access to my wishes which are - I gather- very different from other's expectations of me. I want to be a mum, a writer and I also would like to master the art of cooking. As for writing, I do it on a regular basis due to my job and I love it although I wish I had more time for creative writing. Perhaps this is something not so far from other's expectations. What would be very different and even strange is "mum Lola" or "Lola in the kitchen". I have been working on the second (well...maybe I should practice more) but not on the "mum" yet. Despite all my doubts and my intellectualization which has obscured my instinctual nature, I know this is the only thing that would make me happy. One, two, three kids and I'd become a better (warmer inside) woman and partner.
When I gain, through my eggs, a clear vision of my soul I can also see all the wasted energy materialized into meaningless efforts. I don't know how to stop these stupid efforts though, I don't know how to stop being ambivalent to embrace who I really am.
* this book is very inspiring to me.
But (and it's only a question) have you thought that, perhaps, what you are doing already is right for you?
ReplyDeleteNo one can be good at everything - even for the dreams they have. I would love to be a writer but I don't have the ideas. I would love to be able to see things the way that F does - but realise that it's just not in my nature. I'm a logical person not a creative person. That's just the way it is.
On the other hand, being a mum is completely different. Two friends of mine, in their 40s, have given birth for the first time this year much to everyone's surprise, including (certainly in one case) theirs! One of them is certainly much like me - but I think she'll be a great mum!
And, as I said before, the cooking isn't really creative as such - it just takes practice. Oh, yes, and practice and practice! :-)
Hi Andy,
ReplyDeleteit's a good point. Yes, indeed I have thought about it and what I do it's actually right for me. I'd like to do also other things though that could make me a happier person. I need the urge to express my personality in other ways.
The cooking is really creative! it's not just practice to me.
I don't think the deep psychic feminine power or nature could be really suppressed. By what? Modern life? Career? Big city life? Nah, being like that is not cultural, it is in the woman's genes in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a woman, but I always was surrounded by women - sisters, female cousins, wife and daughters - and I always felt - in a non rational though male way - they had / have secret psychic powers I will never possess.
One of the most fascinating though male chauvinist civilizations of the past, the Greeks - please be tolerant with my manias - was ruled by males in every field but it was the Sibyls who took the big decisions in all that really mattered for the entire Mediterranean Greek community (whether and where to found a new city, what to do in case of big cataclysms etc.)
So, in conclusione, listen to your eggs, whatever they have to tell you :-)
Thanks for your comment MoR.
ReplyDeleteYes, we do have secret psychic powers that's for sure!
It's true, the role of the Sibyls was crucial. I like your manias, by the way.
The problem with listening to my eggs is that -sometimes- they are too loud and I can't do anything else but pay attention to their complainings.
Let them complain. And, where did you learn your English? It is quite good as far as I can judge, being 100% Italian mother tongue, romano.
ReplyDeleteThank you, romano ;)
ReplyDeleteMy parents literally sent me to the UK when I was 13-14 to learn it. Actually I didn't because I was with my schoolmates but I became interested in languages and I attended "liceo linguistico" afterwards.
More recently I lived in Canada for few months and I also use English on a daily basis because of my job.
Anyway, I'm trying to improve it.
I do think YOUR English is amazing.