"There are many things that I would like to say to you

.. but I don't know how".

I'll see her (my shadow, my emotional knot) this afternoon. I can't escape, we have arranged to spend few hours together and I also have a present for her baby girl. I didn't sleep much, more or less 5 hours. I wonder if it's going to be as intense as it is my head.  I'm not concerned I'm just, I don't know, excited and sad at the same time. How will it be? Am I ready? Probably yes, I am ready now but I'm far too nervous to be natural. 

Earlier, on the train, I'd thought about "forgetting" the present on a seat and text her that I'm too busy today. After few seconds I realized that I have to deal with this sooner or later and it's better now than when we'll be too old for this kind of reunions.

I'm finishing The Hours and it crossed my mind that perhaps I could give it to her. I am too as Virginia Woolf, dying on a bed of roses as everything looks great in my life but I feel like all my energies were drying out. I should feel, at the age of 34, full of hopes, my head filled with plans and goals to achieve. I can see professional goals at the horizon but I can't see the contours of other utterly important personal achievements. No matter how hard I try, I cannot see that further. And honestly I should blame only myself  instead of my mum because she is not happy, my dad because has just remarried and is too happy and so forth. This is a common trend, I think, blaming someone else for being unhappy. I have to stop that as I'm am responsible for my own frustrations.

My past, an important friendship, a new person... will materialize in few hours in front of me. I'm not quite sure how to deal with my emotions, her feelings and a brand new baby. She will help us, though. 

Wish me good luck!