My shadow (again)

She has written me. She is going to have a c section on Friday and wanted to let me know. Also, it seems that they will be moving very close to where I live (10 minutes walking). I don't know what to think, honestly. I'm trying to understand my mixed feelings of excitement, insecurity and why not? even jelousy. I thought Arte was wrong but it seems as though I am a bit jelous of her -I imagine- wonderful belly. Her baby girl will be born on Friday and I don't even live with my partner! It's strange because I'm happy for her but I also wish I could be in her shoes now. On the contrary, I can't sleep and feel dog tired. I'm exhausted and frustrated, it's not a good moment. I was fine in Rome because I had the chance, as I mentioned, to free my mind from negative thoughts but now everything seems difficult again. I even took a sleeping pill yesterday night and I know that if my current situation doesn't change, I'll have serious problems.

So, what am I supposed to do?  Meet the baby and see her after 6 years? I don't think I can deal with all that, it would be overwhelming but I've just written "keep me posted, I'll see you and the baby soon". Life is so complicated. Anyway, I really hope everything will sort out well for her. She will be a great mum, I'm sure about that.

                                                                              

Klimt

This

 blog is written by "sister in law". I mean, how can I compete?! I will never be able to cook like that.

One more!

My love (before and after stripping)

I woke up at 5 (and random thoughts)

and couldn't sleep anymore. This is my new "habit": I go to bed very early (10:15-30) and sleep right away but I wake up at 5 or 6 and can't get back to sleep. If one is in Rome in an hotel close to Villa Borghese it's even plesant as there are always people jogging in the park. But here I can't go out with big boy at 7 as there's literally no one and I don't feel safe.

I did have a good time in Rome alhought I spent a great amount of time alone. Perhaps I should better write because I spent time on my own. I'm fed up with people who don't listen but only talk about their brillant ideas and accomplishments. It's boring and I don't buy it. I can play a role, pretend to be interested but my mind is elsewhere. After a while though I have to run away from these kind of people.

Just found out there are several positions open all around the world for my job. I'm getting frustated here and I must admit I'm tempted to apply. It's not just the right time for me and my partner. I know I will regret it later and it's not a good feeling. Or perhaps I won't have regrets if things speed up a bit and we achieve our goals. I don't know how long I can wait though as I have been waiting for a long time.

I have realised

that I cannot write in Italian which is a bit weird. So, forget the "changes". I just can't, for reasons that I can't even explain. This blog was conceived in English and it seems as though I have problem to switch to my own language. As I mentioned, I feel the urge to use Italian but my last post, for instance, does not represent "me" in a sense. Lola is the Italian girl who writes in English. Believe it or not, I don't like the Italian version of me. Anyway, I guess my few readers will be happy with this?

I'm in Rome. Oh my, it is so different from Milan! I love it. People seem less tense here, they have dinner outside, chat and walk in a very relaxed way. Coming from a small town, Milan is hell to me while Rome is a bit more like heaven. A bit more it doesn't mean that I would like living here. It's messy and noisy but there are some places that make this city unique. I had a long walk in Villa Borghese and I tried to free my mind from basically everything. I also had dinner alone at Via Veneto which was expensive but definitely worth it. I treat myself from time to time ;).

I tried to free my mind (and it worked, which is amazing for someone like me) but I also thought about vital and personal choices. One of them is pregnacy. I did have doubts about it. Few months ago I was looking forward to get pregnant and now the excitement is fading away. I think it's because I tend to over analyse things. Years ago, when I was in my mid twenties, adoption rather than pregnancy was my main desire. I didn't want to try to have kids as -I thought- it was an egoistic impulse. I still think that it is egoistic: there are plenty of kids out there! A kid should be a part of a "love project": it doesn't matter if he/she has your DNA.  Adoption is still ideal to me. We talked about it but it was few years ago and haven't touched upon this issue lately. However, I'm also aware that motherhood is a very natural feeling and even if it is linked to egoism ("I want that belly too", "I want to experience 9 wonderful months", "I can hear my biological clock"!) it is FINE to have these feelings. This is probably my main problem: is it OK to have a baby rather than adopt one who needs parents? I thought that my doubts were related to a lack of maternal insticts but it's not like that. They are connected to the fact that I would rather prefer adoption, this would make much more sense to me. A love project, not a egoistic act which has to do with my biological clock. My second problem is that my partner has other priorities now and I don't really get if he is really interested in having kids or not. I just don't get it and I wish I had a better understading of this.

Oh! I have written a lot and I'm tired now...

# 1 post in Italian - Primo post in italiano

Non riesco proprio a togliere il musone da lassù. L'header rimane così come l'avevo concepito, perchè l'anima del blog è la stessa solo la lingua cambia. Sono in partenza per Roma, mi fermo fino a venerdì. Forse i ritmi saranno meno "serrati" del solito e potrò concedermi delle lunghe camminate a Villa Borghese ogni mattina. Ho in mente di prendermi un po' di tempo ogni giorno, quindi colazione presto e passeggiate prima di mettersi al lavoro.

Sto rileggendo un libretto scorrevole (vedi Sto leggendo). Non è un capolavoro ma ero stufa di mattoni poco digeribili. Sole, cambio di temperatura e di umore: avevo bisogno di de Carlo. Non mi fa impazzire ma si fa leggere. La mia mente scorre tra le pagine intrise di '68, lotte studentesche e sogni realizzati. La seconda parte ambientata in Umbria è decisamente la mia preferita perchè anch'io mollerei tutto subito per trasferirmi in un casale. Portandomi dietro i miei giubbotti salvagente, ovviamente. Persone e animali con un potere salvifico: quelli che mi hanno accompagnata nella navigazione fino a questo momento, i miei amori quotidiani. Oggetti ben pochi. Prima o poi lo faccio ed ho l'impressione che chi mi sta intorno lo sappia fin troppo bene. Sono tutti lì a mettere in sicurezza gli argini prima dell'uragano. Sacchetti colmi di sabbia ovunque, raccomandazioni e tentativi di ritardare i danni.

Tranquilli, gli argini reggono ancora per un po'.

I libri mi offrono un urgano di sentimenti simulato, una miriade di possibilità preconfezionate e pronte per l'uso. Li consumo in fretta e già pregusto il viaggio in treno verso Roma. La vita scorrerà fuori dal finestrino e tra le pagine del mio libro. Rischio ogni volta di ubriacarmi di vite altrui, per giunta di uomini e donne di carta, mai esistiti. La mia è una sorta di bulimia letteraria.

Forse avrei dovuto fare l'attrice di teatro. O la scrittrice. Come la Tamaro che vive a Orvieto con i suoi alberi da frutta, le sue galline e le anitre.

Changes

I've been thinking about it for a while and now I'm almost certain. Don't worry, I'm not going to close this blog! I just want to change it a little bit. First, the language. While it is true that I like writing in English and I know I have English/American readers who enjoy this blog, it is also true that I feel the urge to use  and "play" with my own language. I don't have to practice my English here! Andy and Gail: I'm sorry but I'm going to write in Italian. I know Andy won't have troubles, but Gail yes :( Artemisia and my partner are Italians ... I'm not aware of other readers (except for MoR who writes in an excellent English but he is romano). Perhaps I do have an unknown and less "visible" audience?

Second, anonymity. If I write in Italian I will be more vulnerable as my colleagues and friends are not confident enough about written English but, obviously, they read blogs in Italian. As anonymity is one the reason why I haven't closed this blog yet (!!), I will have to change personal information (i.e. the blog header and all my big boy pics). 

I hope you will understand. The language issue is a major change, I know. And I'm not even sure if this will work out for me. As I mentioned in the past, I'm too inhibit to write personal stuff in Italian. Anyway, let me try.

Thanks for your patience.

Sorry for the late (and "public") reply to your comments

I have changed my mind. I'm not brave enough to meet her. I've been fighting hard to find a balance lately and I don't want to challenge myself. Not right now. I lied and said that I can't meet her anymore because I'm too busy which is partly true. I do have time for lunch as we had arranged. I could have taken your advice but as I said, perhaps it's not right time. I'm aware that few days ago I claimed that I wanted to deal with an emotional knot, implying that it was the right time. Well, it's not. I'm going to Tuscany for a couple of days.

I'll see/read you soon.

I can't believe it

she wrote me a long email. She wants to meet me. The baby is due in June and she dreamt of me several times during the pregnancy which is amazing given that it occurred to me as well (and I'm not pregnant). She is even planning to move to my hometown! I don't know what to think about it. We dreamt about each other and haven't seen for years. I think the time has come: I have to face and solve this emotional knot. Surprisingly enough, I said "yes, let's meet next week". I don't want to talk about it, though. I mean, I want to live this moment alone without sharing my feelings with anyone, just with her. This invisible emotional line exists only between me and her and now it's time to let all the feelings flow. I'm even scared, how will it be? Meeting her, 8 months pregnant after 6 years? I don't know if I feel happy or not. However I'm glad I said yes.

My favourite boot

Big boy is looking out the window. He is a bit scared, he hears a distant noise of thunders. Sometimes I hear the sound of my thoughts and when they are too loud or confused, I turn off the brain and try to relax. I'm done with my job for today. I have everything I need: my notes, a logical path to follow, two interesting books. I'm wondering if these contemporary Italian authors have been translated in English. Probably no and it's a shame. As I mentioned, Italian culture is still very rich in terms of authors, cinema and music and I don't understand why so many people don't realize this simple fact. Italy is corrupted but by no means is "ignorant" (well, Berlusconi's supporters are ignorant and it seems they are the majority of the country but I'm thinking about my country as a per se entity with emotions, soul and history). Italy is brillant and creative. She -Italy must be a woman, I'm sure- lives at the Empire's perimeters: influenced by American culture (the "empire") and shaped by European ways of thinking but always amazingly provincial. Her strenght is being provincial, I like it because within her long, narrow and boot shaped body there is a whole variety of dialects, food, accents, wines, ruines, local peculiarties which made me love her to death. I fell in love with this boot when I was a kid. Listening to my grandparents' dialect, eating focaccia in Tuscany and polenta in Piedmont, reading Dante, Leopardi, Manzoni, watching Mastroianni and Sofia Loren. The boot is not big but there are lots of things in it. Growing up in such a chaos of dialects, accents, expressions, surrounded by art and beauty, nourished by her delicious gifts (fresh vegetables and fruits) is wonderful. Oh yes, this boot fits me well. I couldn't wear another one despite the fact that looks very old and sometimes I would like to live in a brand new "boot". I can't help it: I like vintage.

ps. By the way, this is post #100.

I don't feel confortable

with what I wrote yesterday. It seems that I'm a sort of genius paid to generate brillant ideas which is NOT the case. I'm a normal person who is lucky enough to work in an environment where intellectual work is crucial. Nothing more or less than that. Sometimes I'm so lucky that I can spend a whole day on books to plan lectures or write essays but this is not because I'm  particularly smart, it's just part of my job. Moreover, I do deal with things as well like everybody else. "Things" are as important as "Ideas" and I didn't mean that I'm better than others who have to cope with normal and down to earth things because... I deal with mundane things too! 

By the way, as far as mundane things are concerned I've recently came across Argan Oil and I can tell that is miraculous for skin and hairs. It's simply amazing but if you'd like to buy it, look for the pure and organic oil. It doesn't smell good but -trust me- it's worth it. I love it and use it everyday as a nourishing facial treatment.

Have a nice day, wherever you are! It has been raining for days here and it seems as though I'm living in the UK rather than in Italy.

I'm thinking

Nothing new. Or maybe yes? Most of the people don't actually have enough time to think since they have to deal with thousands of things rather than ideas. I'm lucky enough to be paid to think, articulate my thoughts in essays and/or lectures. I've spent the day on one single book and on several ideas which have been boiling like lava. Now I have to find a logical path to let this lava flow but it will take me few days. I'll catch up with you as soon as I digest my thoughts.

Butterflies

My Polish friend came to visit me a couple of days ago. We met last year and became immediately very close as soon as we realized that we have a lot in common. She is a strong woman who has been through a really challenging moment. I don't think she is over it but I could see she has now a different perspective on life.

It's been a busy week for me so I didn't have a great amount of time to spend with her.  However, I managed to take half a day off and we had such intimate and deep conversations so filled with life exepectations and feelings that they nearly seem unrealistic now. I don't know why I can't reach the same level of intimacy with some of my closest friends here. Well, perhaps I know why. Again, it's a matter of language. Usually I don't  touch upon "sex issues " as I'm too shy to articulate my thoughts in my own language. Also, my Italian friends got to know me when I was very young and -I think- they stuck with an old version of me. While with her it's different since we met during our mutual metamorphosis. We were both in the process of changing, both eager to face our mistakes and develop new wings. It's a long process though,  and we are not able to fly long distances yet. 

The most important thing is that we inspire each other and grow stronger together. I miss her already but I'm planning to go to Poland in the next months to spend few days there.

Good luck my love

Today my partner starts a new job. I just want to wish him good luck. This job could change our relationship and I'm looking forward to plan our future.

I love you.

Cinema italiano

It's true: the golden age of the Italian cinema has gone. However, I do think we have both excellent directors and actors. Yesterday we saw Cosa voglio di più  set in Milan (What more do I want?) by Soldini. It's about what can be defined an "ordinary betrayal", namely two ordinary couples with very common problems (work, money) who cheat on their partners. It seems not so interesting but indeed it is a very good movie as it realistically portrays what could happen to anyone. We are used to far from reality betrayals in wonderful apartaments or hotel rooms carried out by perfect (beautiful, wealthy) men and women. No one is really interested in ordinary lives, but Soldini takes "a look at the reality of our moment... from the angle of ordinary people" .The actors are great, especially Favino who is one of my favourite Italian actors. Alba Rohrwacher is also very talented.

Il cinema italiano is not dead!

Reconnecting with myself

Although I've been very busy lately, I've also taken time to reconnect with myself. I have become aware of the fact that my body is as important as my brain and I do exercize almost every day. 45 minutes brisk walking and pilates once a week. I am also willing to take up Tai Chi, there will be a free class at my tiny tainy cultural association next week. Pilates is great but as I already mentioned, it 's also very difficult as one has to be constantly focused. I wish I had classes at leat twice a week until September instead of a short course. I am much more aware of my body and my posture and I enjoy that Pilates is slow and controlled so that I have time to adjust my entire body to it. It takes patience though.

I have also changed my diet and I do feel much better even if ... London was far too cold for me and I still have cough and sore throat. I'm now trying with raw garlic which has several health benefits (inter alia, it's a powerful antibiotic), including fighting cough. The main problem with garlic is kissing ;). Don't chew it and you won't have garlic breath.

I feel relaxed and happy with my body also because sexual life is now back to normal. It was so challenging  to deal with sexual related problems due to tough hormonal treatment before and right after surgery. I missed intimacy but I didn't feel confortable with my body. My partner has been incredibly sweet and patient, I'm so lucky.

At this stage of my life, reconnecting with myself means embracing my vulnerabilities and rediscovering my body.