My Christmas cookies

I just got an email

from "work". Gosh, I should start put my foggy head into it. I have lots of commitments for the next year:

• write an article with two colleagues
• revise a paper
  
• write a paper for a conference

The above three things need to be done by March. Articles and papers in English of course. It's a lot of work and I need time to think, do some research, edit and write. I have to stay at home, otherwise I won't be able to focus in my office but I also have to show up at some point. They haven't seen me for a long time and writing is not my only commitment.

Life changes very quickly. Earlier this morning I thought that I haven't missed work and that I wouldn't mind staying at home for a longer period of time. The recovery process has been stimulating so far. I've had time to think and focus on ME which is very unusual in the contemporary crazy fast era. After the email, though, I can tell that I'm looking forward to write, study and revise my stuff because ... it's just part of my life.

Christmas Eve (random thoughts)

A friend of mine is coming over this afternoon which is not ideal. My mum is overtired and stressed out because of food that needs to be cooked today, I have to bake Christmas cookies and I wish I could spend the rest of day on the couch. I love him, he is one of my closest friend but still... Christmas eve is not a good day to go visiting.

My nails are red-sparkling Christmas.Yesterday I went to my aesethetician -who probabkly knows more about me than anyone else!- and I spent lots of money, as usual. I don't buy products but I love massages and I have an obsession with hands and feet. They have to be almost perfect, I like elegant and beautiful hands. I also like men's hands but surprisingly enough I've never had a man with wonderful hands. My partner has normal hands but his face is so sweet and beautiful that I don't really pay attention to them. Last year he bought me the perfect present: a gift card for aesthetician treatments. I did everything I could ;)
My girlfriends and I go to thermes and spas for our birthdays. Instead of buying something, we spend the day together and I think it's a great idea. TermeMilano (Porta Romana) is a nice place but it's always crowded so we're planning to go somewhere else. Hammam della Rosa (viale Abruzzi) is also nice and clean but far too popular to be quiet.

I'm hungry now and it's only 20 minutes pas noon. I'm so hungry these days with no reasons as I don't go for long walks with my dog. I have to cut down sugar, otherwise I'll become diabetic in few years. I have to cut down cheese as well, and pasta and bread (and wine, and pizza ect...) but I do like eating and I haven't put on much weight. I'm not skinny anymore and I look definitely better. I'm between a 42 and a 44 which is fine. I too hungry now... should get going to eat.

Buon Natale :)

Spirituality PART I

I was raised catholic mainly because I attended catholic private schools. My family didn't go to church, except for my grandmas but it's the kind of thing you expect in Italy. I recall them, especially one of them, praying every single day with rosary in her hands. She was devoted to Padre Pio and Saint Rita and had a small bag with pictures and prayes. In high school I did not have a choice as we pray in class and went to the mess every saturday. It can tell if I had a faith or not, prayers were part of my routine activities and I did not put much thought into religion.

As I've grown up God disappeared over my horizon. I did have a choice and decided I didn't want to go to church anymore. Boys, love and fun seemed to be out of the church and I simply stop going. My parents were fine with it but my grandma didn't like it and sometimes -to please her- I went to church on Christmas. It didn't make sense to me but I loved her so much and I did it for her, she was so happy and proud to see me there.

Two years ago I went to church alone on Christmas day. She was too ill to come and -again- I did it for her. She passed away few days after. Since then my spirituality has changed. I've stumbled upon religious people who made me think about my lost faith. These friends and colleagues aren't sunday morning Christians, they follow on a daily basis christian principles. I began to form my own answers to "the big question" and I still don't know whether I believe or not. Do I believe in God? Yes and no. Do I believe in Jesus? Yes. Do I believe in the church? No. Do I go to church? Not to attend mass but sometimes I do stop by and pray. Do I like the Pope? Not at all.

to be continued...

Today

Sometimes I feel like Alice in the wonderland looking for the white rabbit or trying to find a tiny door behind the curtains.

Love lesson

I don't take him for granted, not even after 13 years. He is such a treat to me. My sweet treasure.

I'm anxious and I can't sleep. He has done a lot for me today and now it's my turn. I can't always rely on him or on her. Everything was fine, I was recovering fast but today (well, yesterday. It's after midnight) I didn't feel as good as usual and I was worried about my health. I am still scared and disappointed. There's no reason - there's one but it shouldn't be a big concern- to be so scared but I'm wondering why things are so difficult for me this fucking year. When I am relaxed and happy, bum! Something happens and I have to step back from happiness. Honestly I have had enough. Ok, ok. POSITIVE THINKING. I'll try.

Countdown to Christmas

I went out for a short walk with my big boy and my mum. We went food shopping for the Christmas period. My mum is planning to cook fish while I'll do the bread and the dessert. I'll probably bake Christmas cookies but I need some extra cutters. My family is very small, we'll be only 6 so there's no need to buy a huge amount of food. Besides, we don't live in the South where people start eating on Christmas Eve and go on for days! We'll have a light lunch and even a lighter dinner. The 25th might be boring if one does nothing -except for eating- that's why I'd love to go out at some point. A walk in the countryside with the boy might be a good idea as I do feel good! I can't walk much, though so I need plan b. I wish we had kids. Christmas is fun with them, actually is fun because of them. We have to wait for at least six months and I'm not sure wheter we're going to try right after to get pregnant for several reasons. This makes me sad but I doubt we'll find a way to deal with some practical problems by the end of next year. However, I cannot wait forever.

... he's outside now, shoveling the snow. I feel guilty because he doesn't know about this blog.

Snowflakes

It has been snowing for few hours now and the garden is as white and quiet as a glass ball. I want to go out tomorrow. I've been recovering fast and I feel fine, it's time to enjoy the snow. The air is so fresh and I guess the snow tastes good because my dog likes it very much. The silence is almost unreal, I don't hear any sound from my bedroom.

... Someone has turned the glass ball upside down to make it snow.

Homemade bread

Strong and soft

We made bread yesterday night. Well, it made it to be honest and it's very good. I ate a slice with nutella this morning and it tasted fresh and soft. I got it as Christmas gift and it's a very useful one if you're looking for something different and helpful. One can do lots of things: from home bread baguette to jams. I'll do the orange jam in the weekend.
I've been very active since yesterday. I'm on two knitting projects now, the dog blanket and a scarf. As for the second, I'm using three lovely yarns I bought in Venice when I wasn't able to knit... few weeks ago. I still can't focus while reading and I don't get why. Perhaps my mind needs to recover from the surgery as well? My colleagues would be surprised to see me knitting or cooking. I'm not the one they have in mind, a tough woman always ready to deal with challenges and to go far away for her career. I'm also that kind of woman but I've recently found out I have what I call soft spots. I've been exporing other ways of being a woman in a mainly men working environment and also in my private life. I love my work but I also want to have kids and it shouldn't be a trade off which is often the case in Italy. I'm down to earth but I like creativity and while writing and researching are my passions, I love to make things with my hands instead of using only my brain all the time. I can write a paper but I can also bake, knit and write short stories and poetry. When I was younger I was only the strong one. Now I'm strong and soft at the same time and I do like it.

ps. I'm about to make chocolate chips muffins for my girlfriend who is coming over soon. It's her birthday's gift I hope she likes them. She is a beautiful Italian woman, the kind of woman who doesn't eat much though: fit, thin and perfect. She'll change her attitude after my muffins ;)

Christmas gifts?

I've started my knitting project. It's a simple but quite big dog blanket and it will take forever to finish it. I was planning to give it to my dog on Christmas day (!) but it is very unlikely that I will be done by next week. I'm an absolute beginner and I'm as slow as as turtle. I enjoy it, though. It doesn't make me think which is good for a volcanic mind like mine. The dog blanket is almost the only Christmas gift I've thought about (it tells a lot about my priorities, isn't it?!). I have two good excuses: I spent 10 days in Canada and then I had a surgery and now (even three!!), I'm recovering. I can't go out waisting money, what a blessing! I want to buy something for my partner, though. I'm planning to buy him a flight to London. I'm going there in April and he has never been there so it's a good chance to come over with me and spend 3-4 days in the UK. As for my girlfriends, I'll bake some cookies and yummie muffins. We don't exchange gifts but they've been so nice to me when I was in the hospital and I'd like to do something with my hands for them. I already bought a hat for one of my best friend (male) in Canada. My parents? This is tough, I have to think about it. I don't really care about Christmas gifts to be candid. Unless they are for me, of course.

Laziness

I should be working on my knitting project (a dog blanket) but I'm too lazy today. My mum is sleeping and I need her advices before even starting. I'm not going to follow a pattern but still, it's difficult if you've never done something with your own hands! So I've been surfing on the Internet looking for ideas and nice blogs to add to my blogroll. I've never felt so free to write whatever I want without feeling "the gaze". Even though I'm not writing "secrets" here, but it feels good to do it without my friends and relatives know all this. I'd like to keep this white little space for me and for me only.
Yesterday night I made my first New Year proposal. It seems very simple but for me it's like mountain hiking: positive thinking. "Vedere il bicchiere mezzo pieno", as we say in Italian. OK, I'll try. I did it before and right after the surgery and I was a different person, not scared to death as I used to be in the past before challenges or potential obstacles. I'm not zen but I've been changing a lot lately and I enjoy this new approach to life.

My love

Light in my living room

It's oh so quiet

Slept well? I did, even if the burglar alarm rang twice right after midnight. I was sleeping like a baby and I didn't understand from where the sound came from. We checked it and realized that it didn't work properly. To my surprise it took me only ten minutes to fall asleep again. And now... it's oh so quiet again. My big boy is under the table while I'm writing on my laptop. I'm in the living room and I can see the garden from here. I love my house. It's my grandparents' house and I've always lived here. This is typical Italian I know that, but I can't move from here. The house is mine now and I'd like to raise my children in such an environment, not too far from a big city but far enough to breath some fresh air and live more outdoor. Besides, we have a garden and enough indoor space. To be honest, if far too much for just the two of us. I'm not sure how I would adjust to a major change, such as having children (well, even only one!) around. I'm used to quietness and until now I've pretty much done whatever I've wanted. If I'd like to spend two hours reading in the garden I can do it without hearing almost nothing excepts for the birds. Don't get me wrong, I don't live neither in a royal palace nor in a national park but in a nice area which allows me to have space on my own. I can afford it because it's not Milan, Florence or Rome. It's not a city. I don't care living in a big city. I work in the city but at the end of the day I have to come back here. It's also because I don't have to commute every day and this makes life easier. Someone might find it boring and it is if one works here. Moreover, we are not "glued" to these old walls: we go out for dinner, or for a concert or whatever and we go to "the city". We enjoy it but no matter how late it is, we have to come back here. Home, sweet home.

I did it again

I know, it's unbelievable. Another adventure in the blogland. Nobody knows about this blog, except my "blogger friend" Andy who is likely to be my only reader. Neither my friends nor my partner have a clue about this crazy obsession of mine and I don't want to advertise this public-private spot. I did have quite a nice blog but then -as usual- while I was in Canada I had a chat with my friend about blogs and social networks and I changed my mind again. She strongly disapproves blogs and I didn't want her to be upset because I'd written something about my Canadian experience (I've proabably messed up the verbs here but I'm recovering from the surgery!).

As I mentioned, I'm recovering from a surgery I had one week ago. I feel fine, the surgery went well but the healing process is long. I have to stay at home for a month, no stress, I can't lift up heavy things and I can't even go out with my dog which sucks. My boy is too big.

I attempted reading light books in Italian but I couldn't focus due to anesthesia side effects. I tried again yesterday but I rather prefer watching crap on tv which is very unusual to me. What I can do is writing. I've written lots of emails all around the globe to reassure my friends and colleagues: I'm fine guys, don't worry. I can also read in English (just started this) but mostly I spend a great amount of time doing nothing. I feel good but probably my body and my mind need time to recharge the batteries. The less in on mind the better it is. However, I've missed writing and given the fact that I don't want to write in Italian for reasons I explained elsewhere, I will write here in English.

It's pretty cold here. I mean, I don't know exactely how cold it is outside but I'm surprised it hasn't snowed yet. I see few rays of light from my window and everything is still and quite. The dog is sleeping on the couch, I'm sure he's dreaming about running with me. Be patient baby, we'll run together soon.