Disillusionment

Simply put: I AM DISGUSTED.

5:15 a.m.

I'm obsessed with deadlines. I woke up at five fifteen today thinking about references, articles etc. I was done with my job by 10:30 and I have done everything I could. I'm working with other colleagues so I shouldn't feel entirely resposible but I do! In any case, I'm going to send the works by tomorrow as I can't stand them anymore.

I wonder if I will have time to relax on my birthday (Pasquetta, the day after Easter). I'm planning to celebrate with my dad on Saturday and with my family on Sunday. Well, my dad is indeed part of my family but my parents divorced several years ago and even though I'm close to him, he has a brand new wife now (as a consequence, new family obligations). As he won't be able to come with us, he'd asked me to have lunch with him the day before which is fine... as long as the new stronza-wife doesn't bother us. 

Ok, I should better stop thinking, working, speaking. I'll probably go to bed around 9 tonight.

Palm sunday

I love Easter more than Christmas. The last gives me warmth while Easter gives me hope. Death and resurrection will be intimately connected next week and although I'll be pretty busy, I'm planning to spend some time thinking about this amazing christian legacy. We are going to the church to take a branch of olive today. It's been ages since I went to mess on palm sunday. This year is different though. I increasingly feel more spiritual and more christian and I do want to celebrate the  holy week.

I'm also going to vote with the strong hope that the right will lose in the majority of the country. Fingers crossed!

My baby (today)

Reunions

I must admit I'm a bit nervous for the "big reunion" in London. I'll meet ALL my colleagues and I haven't seen some of them for a long time. Colleagues from the US, Canada, UK, Norway, Spain, Portugal, Greece etc. It makes me nervous because I've changed a lot lately. It's not only my hair (I look completely different from -say- one year ago), it's all the pressure and excitement that usually go along with these meetings. Moreover, most of them met a different Lola and they proabably have in mind a picture of me which I feel diverges from the person I've become. I've just got an email from a friend of mine who is so looking forward to catch up in London. I'm looking forward to see him too but I'm wondering if he'd notice that I'm a different.

Besides, the scheduled event is huge and I'll have to deal with many people for 3-4 days in a row which is good and "bad" at the same time. It's good because, as I mentioned, I can't wait to work with such an amazing network of professionals and because I do know (and like) most of them. It's "bad" because it's actually stressful as I'll be speaking all the time in another language and at a very high level. I can tell you that at the end of the day it could be tiring. Perhaps it's just me... I'm constantly concerned -especially when surrounded by native English speakers- that my English is not perfect and I should have said "this" instead of "that" and so forth. I'm pretty confident but I'm aware that I will always be an "Italian who speaks English" with an accent and a vocabulary that is limited. And I work very hard to improve it... on a daily basis to be honest (i.e. I mainly read books, essays and articles in English, I listen to podcasts and even write my own personal blog in English!).

Anyway, I'm sure I will enjoy the London reunion.

Protect yourself / WARNING: it might be disturbing.

via Elisabeth Pisani.

Edward Said

I should have read it long time ago. Blame on me, it's a bit late now. I came across this masterpiece yesterday and I couldn't put it down. Wonderfully written, this book has changed the perspective of many scholars on the role played by culture (i.e. English literature) in forging imperialism.

The role of culture in the modern imperial experience is in fact paramount and Edward Said looks at "individual works to read them first as great products of the creative or interpretative imagination, and then to show them as part of the relationship between culture and empire" (xxiv).

I'll write more about it.

Red and random thoughts

Hi there, I've just met the second -and most important- deadline. Oh my, it has been stressfull and tiring but I am satisfied with my work. I know it's not "perfect" but I am proud of what I have done. So proud that I was off this morning to change haircut + color. I have fancy (very light) red nuances and I can't wait to see my friend's face in less than an hour. My partern likes it (well, via skype he says that I look good). I know these are trivial matters but after a whole month spent on historical books and quite complex topics I need to think about hairs and nails to relax.

I have trip plans for April and May. I'll be in London for a week right after Easter. It's a biz trip but I'll have a couple of days off to visit the city. We're  going to Sicily at the end of April to enjoy the sun, food and lovely places we're planning to see. It will be short but we definitely need to spend time together, besides Sicily is one of my favourite islands.

I do also have plans for the weekend. I'll make a chocolate pear cake with mascarpone instead of butter and I also would like to bake some bread. I NEED to use my hands as my head has had enough serious thoughts. Last sunday we went to the lake with our big boy and it wa so great. He had a blast and we had fun too. It's such a joy to see him running freely.

I have back and neck pain as I've spent a great amount of time in front of my laptop lately. I'm not going to spend 5 more minutes, have a nice week end. Ciao

Hidden fire

The main risk when one is so focused on writing is losing touch with reality. I don't bake, dress up, go out anymore: I am absorbed in my thoughts. Moreover writing in another language is a significant effort, I'm exhausted at the end of the day. I can't even speak sometimes. I have become to realize that this is one of the few things I'm good at. Not sure I could do something else.

One of the main reason why I'm so looking forward to have a baby is being closer to my inner nature. I'm much more than my writings, have a look under the surface! There's a hidden fire.

March?

This is the very first time I see snow in March. It's very unusual and I'm not sure I like it. It's far too cold for me and we're planning to go south after Easter to enjoy the sun. However, this weather is perfect to focus on my writing commitments which are very demanding. I spend a great amount of time writing in English about interesting topics (at least interesting to me) and I'm working hard to meet all the deadlines. I met the first one, now I only have to meet all the others!

Coffee saves me.

Made in Chinatown

Very interesting documentary (English version) about the Chinese community in Milan.

Despite the fact we see migrants or non native communities in our cities, we often pretend they are "invisible". The have a sort of invisible aura that make them non relevant to our lives. Chinese are relevant only when they cause troubles, otherwise they are like small ghosts who own restaurants, shops and sometimes exploit women who are exploited both by their own community and by Italians (i.e. Chinese massages centres).

I've become interested in those "silent identities" lately and I do think they deserve our attention and all our efforts to develop a truly multicultural society. The myth of race (such as the razza padana) recalls fascism and we are several decades after the dictatorship. We are not better or worse than anyone else, we simply need to time to adjust to a different Italian society which, I think, would be much more vital and culturally rich if only we would be more prone to share our space with other people.

Don't call me, please

Don't get me wrong: I do love my best friends. I love chatting with them and spending time with them and their families. What I can't stand is speaking on the phone for hours every single week. I don't see the point as there's the Internet and moreoever we see each other every -say- 8-10 days. It's fucking stupid to me to chat on the phone for 45 minutes (that's the average time for some of them) AFTER dinner when I'm usually tired and the last thing I want to do is speaking.

The problem is that I'm getting rude, sometimes I don't answer or I pretend to be too busy to call. S. is very similar to me: we write emails and make arrangements to meet up. There's NO need to chat on the phone. Another S. who -by the way- is very close to me doesn't understand me: she has to spend a certain amount of her life on the phone, otherwise it's not worth living. My male best friend doesn't live close to my hometown but still... what the hell can I do to avoid at least from 30 to 45 minutes every week? I hate waisting time on the phone. I do care about them but I wish they used the Internet just a little bit more.

... I'm supposed to be on the phone with one of the friends I mentioned above right now. But I've forgot (!!)  my mobile downstairs...sorry about that. It's saturday, don't you dare to call me please.

Emily Dickinson

My cocoon tightens, colors tease,

I'm feeling for the air;

A dim capacity for wings

Degrades the dress I wear.

A power of butterfly must be

The aptitude to fly,

Meadows of majesty concedes

And easy sweeps of sky.

So I must baffle at the hint

And cipher at the sign,

And make much blunder, if at last

I take the clew divine.

It's been challenging lately. I'm stressed out and birth control pill is getting on my nerves. However, I still have a capacity for wings that magnifies the dress I wear.

Things I have been silent about

I still have deadlines and I'll be pretty busy until May. I have thought about this blog, though, and I do want to keep this space alive. An idea came to my mind few days ago but I immediately "erase" it.

There is no need to delete this blog because I like how I have shaped the boundaries of my own story and identity so far thanks to this tool. What is a blog if not a narrative tool to covey our version of our personal history?

Besides, for the very first time and unlike past virtual experiences, I feel that this is my very personal space where -for unknown reasons- I feel free to write about me. I lreally like to be read by the few people who know about this blog and I enjoy writing in English.

I've came up with a potential solution. As March, April and May will be hectic as far as work, travels and several commitments, the only way to nurture this space is writing during the weekend. I'm sure it will work for me, except when I'll be away from home. I also want to catch up with my favourite blogs.

Blogprolific will become a weekend blog, that's my own commitment to myself and my readers. How does it sound?

ps. I'm reading a wonderful book, it's truly inspiring and I'll be writing about it soon.