Message in a bottle

Hi there,

as I'll be leaving pretty soon, this is going to be my last (and probably short) post. I'll be staying in Tuscany for a while with no connection to the Internet which is ... great! I won't check my email, won't type anything at all until the end the month. I'm looking forward to read, lay in the sun, get tan, swim, walk with my big boy, eat, drink and chat with nothing in mind except for all the pleasant things I will be doing. I do need some rest and I also need to enjoy life as it's been -as I mentioned somewhere- a tough year. I promise I'll try to stick to my radical self care plan.

Not sure I'll be writing a summer journal. It crossed my mind but everything seems too demanding right now, even writing my journal. In any case, it'll be in Italian so I'm not going to post it here. I'm sure I'll miss this private-public space and I'll miss my favourite blogs but hey, we all need a break from the computer isn't it?

So I'll have this long break until September.

Enjoy the summer, see you September 1st!

A fortune-teller told me

This is my favourite picture of him.

This very image of him came to visit me in one of my vivid dreams few years ago.

I'm reading A fortune-teller ... (in IT), strangely enough I picked it up yesterday. All of a sudden I realized that he died in July. I didn't recall the date though but I was sure it was this month. Since his death I've thought of him a lot, he has had a big impact on my work and my life.

Ss&G

I'm tired and I need a break. I'm looking forward to go to Tuscany but perhaps it would have been better to be alone for a while. It's been a tough year, I can feel it on my skin and my nerves. I love my mom but we also get into fights sometimes and I don't need additional stress. She cares about things which are important but not as vital as she thinks. I would like her to be less rigid as a lack of flexibility is the last thing I need on vacation.

I've seen by two best friends in the last couple of days and I'll be spending the afternoon with the third one (my best friends are a guy and two girls: hereafter Ss&G). There are all very close to me and so different from each other! If, on the one hand, I really want to spend time with G. today, on the other there's an aspect that makes me unconfortable: time. G. is the type of person who devotes a whole day to a friend. Not to mention a best friend! I love G.very much but I do need my own space after few hours. I mean, after 8 hours together I can't deny that I'm a bit overwhelmed by G. And I feel bad about it because I sincerly love Ss&G, however while S and I share the same vision of time (let's stay together for a couple of hours and that's it. No phone calls unless is necessary), s is similar to G (long phone calls and more than just few hours together: mornings, afternoons and evenings). s&G get overwhelming sometimes as they speak more than I do and need a huge amount of time to feel "connected" to me.

Anyway, I shouldn't complain as I have three wonderful friends I can fully rely on. I can always count on them which is rare these days.

Radical self care

So now I have this plan (yet again! But this is something I am fully committed). I've recently come across this concept of radical self care which basically means a period of time devoted to one's self as far physical and pshychological balance are concerned. It's a lifestyle which entails self care tailored to one's specific emotional, psychological, physical needs.

My radical plan starts this month and ends (does it have to end?!) in 2011.

1. What do I aim to achieve? I don't have specific goals (except for one, see the next point) as I don't feel unbalanced. However, we all deserve at some point few months to "heal" or recover from ... life! It doesn't mean that I'll quit my job, but I'll cut down on stress avoiding travels and commitments which are not inherently necessary. I am lucky as I can -to a certain extent- decide what I have and what I don't have to do. 
2. Priorities. I/we do have one priority which is getting pregnant soon. This perhaps relates to the first point as one doesn't need stress if she wants to get pregnant. My gynechologist says that this is the very right time to try as -after the surgery- I am now ready to have a baby.  It might take from one month to a year so I definitely need a long term radical self plan! I will also try not to read all those books about pregnancy because I really want to embrace this experience in the more natural way.
3. Physical and psychological strenght. I enjoyed Pilates very much, I'll sign up again for Pilates and also for Yoga classes at a tiny studio I really like. Moreover, long walks with big boy... which I had to stop few days ago because of the weather. It's too hot for us, we prefer air conditioning ;) While yoga enhaces the mental and psychological strenght, good books play a significant role too and I'd love to learn from inspiring books as much as I can.
4. Food and diet. My diet is, I think, very balanced. However, I should cut down on sugar (few months ago my glycemic index was a bit high) and increase the consuption of integral cereals.
5. Finding simplicity through inspirational resources such as Zen Habits and RowdyKittens. This is very important to me and I'll put all my efforts to "downsize" my life.
6. Writing, namely keep this blog updated as it is part of my self care! Blogprolific means thinking about my life, exploring private stuff and sharing. It's been a stimulating journey so far.
7. Enjoy what life brings me. I have no reason to complain.

Candy

I love it!

How it went

I see her with the baby is her arms. Here you are, she says, and your hair is red! Yes oh... so cute, she is beautiful! And I hug them. I'm nervous but the excitement of being around them is far more intense than my own tension. It's a good feeling, I am not unconfortable. We sit on the couch and start talking about her pregnancy, the birth and how she is. You look great, I say, and I mean it. She is slim and fit, it makes me feel as I had a baby! She has a flat stomach and a milky breast which is just perfect. If I had been pregnant for 9 months (of course!) and breastfeding for three weeks I'd look like moby dick.

She asks about my life, my job and my partner. They met more than 10 years ago and I'm not sure she recalls him. I don't know how you've done it so far, she says. You've never lived together, it's amazing. Our paths have been very different. She moved to Milan several years ago and lived alone for a while and then with her husband. I know she thinks that I'm not as "complete" as she is but I'm fine with that, this thought doesn't ruin the meeting.

She brestfeeds the baby in a way that is very natural to me. Unlike me, she is definitely born to be a mom. It took me years to realise that I have maternal instinct but yet I'm not 100% confortable with a baby in my arms as I am with ... a puppy! Perhaps I should dedicate my life to animals instead of dreaming about babies. I take the baby for a while and I glimpse in the mirror. Am I ready? I look like a teenager with her dolly.

We are relaxed now, the conversation is easy even if the air is filled with unspoken words and emotions. It seems we haven't met for a short period of time but it's been 6 long years. It's time to go and she wants to walk with me to the underground station. Thank you, she says, I really wanted to see you because it's such a crucial moment to me and it seemed wrong not to reconnect. It seemed also wrong at my wedding and you know what? I cried when I got the flowers you sent me.

A close hug before I go. We don't cry but our eyes are far from being dry.

I pretend to be rigid

but in fact I'm not. I can't stick with "rules" not even with plans except for things/people I really care. In my dreams I'm a really strict goal setter, in reality I'm like everybody else, rigid and soft at the same time. So I have decided to "break the blog vacation rule" because honestly it doesn't make any sense if I miss writing! I miss writing and reading in English even though I'd made up another rule: reading in Italian for a little while. I'll have to write a book in Italian in the near future so... it's better to warm up! No way. I read a book in Italian and then yesterday night I switched back to my Lolita that is wonderful, disturbing and written in an amazing English (I always feel like crap when I read Nabokov knowing that he wasn't mother tongue!). Oh my, what a marvellous prose!

Nabokov is my uncle's favourite writer. I don't think I've touched "my uncle" issue here. In any case, he is one of the most important person in my life and did have an impact on my cultural background. I see him everyday (more than my dad who would be mad if he comes across this post!) and I can't even imagine my life without this brilliant, strange, amazing man. It's difficult to describe such a person, he is just my zio and I love him the way he is. All this to say that Nabokov is dear to me because of my uncle even though I haven't read all his books. Like Tolkien. The first book my uncle gave me when I was a child was The Hobbit and I still have that book.

More writing to come...