As mentioned

here, I know where I am going. I have thought about it and I want to be honest, above all with myself. I feel squeezed between two cultures as I was raised catholic but I'm interested in oriental approaches to philosophy, psychology and life in general. I can't tell if I'm buddhist but I can claim that I'm not christian. I do believe in Christ and I love the revolutionary man  and his teachings. I don't believe in other things though and if I relied on faith in the past it's because I needed to believe in God.

I like more philosophical approaches to life and I'm especially inspired by buddhism. So I am going to the East, rather than to the West. In a sense, I'm traveling the spiritual path which seems to lead to the East. So perhaps I was wrong: the two perspectives cannot be brought together or, to put it better, I can't be christian and buddhist at the same time. I'm just a human being who is trying to use a spiritual compass but I need to choose: West or East otherwise I'll get lost.

Loosing one's religion is challenging but I'm pretty much sure of my choice. We will see where life will take me.

Part II

* PART I *

[So this how it goes: I write a post without editing it (this is why there are always mistakes but honestly I don't have time to time to write drafts) and then I think about it. Usually I involve my partner in this process and we have long conversations (if the topic is relevant) about the issues I have explored. He doesn't read this blog every day nor spends much time in front of the computer so I tell him to read this or that post. Yesterday night I explained to him this post and I felt as I had a better understanding of my own spiritual journery due to the above mentioned piece of writing. I've never put much thoughts on how blogs can be helpful to reframe our thinking. I'm keen to do more writing...]

I met this amazing man and he played a role in shaping my spiritual path. However, I didn't go to church for a while especially when I broke up with my partner for few months. I/we went through a period of crisis, I got sick and very anxious. I don't remember when and how, oh yes! It was Easter and I went to church. We were together again and we tryed to deal with our problems... and I did quit going to church.

More readings on Buddhism, especially in the summer. I don't know why the summer inspires Buddhist thinking to me. I had a surgery last year and I clearly remember why my mind was relatively calm the day before: the Buiddhist readings! I've never been so calm but to be honest it took me a long time to be like that. While recovering from the surgery I opened this blog and read a book written by a well known Italian journalist who converted to Catholicism (well, he was Catholic but in a sense he converted again) and now  regularly goes (and organizes pilgrimages) to Medjugorie. He has turned into a completly person and the book was fascinating. 

So am I Buddhist or Christian or both? Perhaps I am too a  Christian Buddhist or maybe I'm still  looking for "something" I can't quite put into words. Afterall, we are not human beings on a spiritual journey but spiritual beings on a human journey.

What is certain is that I'm inclined to continue this human journey in order find out more about my spirituality from different perspectives which CAN be brought together. I like reading the Bible (in English by the way! The New International Version is written in clear and modern English) but I want to learn how to meditate. I don't identify with a label. So far so good and I'm thankful for all the interesting online resources I've stumbled upon.

Spiritual paths

This is a good way to explain where I am now (in a spiritual sense): at the intersection between two traditions. In my never ending spiritual quest, I've met few people, read some books, had interesting conversations that brought me to this crossroad. The following is part I of the trip (it's a bit long... but it's worth it if one wants to know me better, plus it's even funny).

I was raised Catholic but soon lost interest in religion. When I moved to Canada in 2004 I happened to live with a free methodist pastor and his family. It was not a "choice", I was looking for an accomodation and the person I worked with suggested me to live with his friends without mentioning that they were all deeply involved with religion (and were quite young which struck me). They ended up being wonderful people and I loved living in a sort of religious community. They didn't ask me to go the church where he preached but I did go and it was ... a shock. The service went on for more than hour and half, the "church" didn't look like a church but it was an  "area" where people gathered, sang, read out loud passages of the bible. Don't take me wrong, there were rules to follow but -in comparison the Italian (=Catholic) way of approaching religion- it seemed a kind of strange and even awkard. First, the church was filled with young people and children, second the atmosphere was filled with joy and celebration. Forget the original sin and sense of guilt that is inherent to Catholic moral teachings: those people were happy, spirtual, friendly and even fun! I was deeply moved by this experience and went to the church every Sunday.

However, I felt far from being as religious as the claimed to be. Sometimes I was overwhelmed, especially by a housemate who believed herself to be the reincarnation of the Virgin Mary, I will never forget when her family came to visit her. We hugged while praying the in middle of the living room, at some point I even thought that I was being punk'd... but Ashton Kutcher didn't show up so I just thought that I was surrounded by crazy warriors of God. The first thing her dad asked me was: are you Christian? [WFT??!!] And then he said: let's pray together like he was saying -I don't know- let's have a coffee which would have made much more sense to me!

There were modern warriors/extremists who made me think and left me speachless but when I came back to Italy I felt more "attracted" to religion. As I didn't like going to the church here, I almost lost interest again but became interested in Buddhism and read several books about it. I didn't fully embrace buddhism as I  had a reluctance for reasons that I cannot explain. Buddhist philosophy is so different from my culture that I found it difficult to understand and practice.

I was far from any religious beliefs when I met K. on a business trip. We met in Split and one evening he told his touching story. K, a young and handsome man who looks healthy and strong, got cancer few years ago and went through many tough experiences. When he was in hospital he started reading the Bible and his life changed: he re-married his wife in a Catholic church, adoped three kids and had lived ever since following the Christian path.The day after, he brought me a small book: "it's good for prayers and meditation". It was good indeed and I read it on the plane.

To be continued...

Palm sunday

I love Easter more than Christmas. The last gives me warmth while Easter gives me hope. Death and resurrection will be intimately connected next week and although I'll be pretty busy, I'm planning to spend some time thinking about this amazing christian legacy. We are going to the church to take a branch of olive today. It's been ages since I went to mess on palm sunday. This year is different though. I increasingly feel more spiritual and more christian and I do want to celebrate the  holy week.

I'm also going to vote with the strong hope that the right will lose in the majority of the country. Fingers crossed!

It's foggy today

and I feel a bit foggy too. It's of those days you feel fine but there's also a sense of sadness that makes my vision blurry. I still don't have a clear vision of my future and there are challenges this year too which seem bigger than me.

I was knitting (yes, the dog blanket) while watching Little Buddha last night. This wonderful movie made me think about strategies to cope with life challenges. We all have strategies or little tricks either to live better or to give a meaning to life. To me buddhism is a demanding but all encopassing philosophy to define a long term action and a tactic. I don't know if it's for me though. I have read several books on buddhism and when things fall apart I know where I have to look at to feel better. I just have to look inside instead of outside of me. The problem is that my spiritual journeys are far too short. One day I read the gospels and the next day I want to go to Tibet to mediate on life. There is no coherence in my spiritual quest. I don't even know if I'm spiritual at all. Besides, I am a "lonely wolf " meaning that I can't be part of a christian, buddhist or whatever group. I am allergic to groups even if I am a very social person. I have always read books on my own to figure out my own strategy. I'm not still there as I have lots of drafts but no definitive plannings.

In the meanwhile, I read Tolstoj.

All the efforts of several hundred thousand people, crowded in a small space, to disfigure the land on which they lived; all the stone they covered it with to keep it barren; how so diligently every sprouting blade of grass was removed; all the smoke of coal and naphtha; all the cutting down of trees and driving off of cattle could not shut out the spring, even from the city. (Resurrection)

... all the challenges could not shut out the spring, even from this difficult year.

Spirituality PART I

I was raised catholic mainly because I attended catholic private schools. My family didn't go to church, except for my grandmas but it's the kind of thing you expect in Italy. I recall them, especially one of them, praying every single day with rosary in her hands. She was devoted to Padre Pio and Saint Rita and had a small bag with pictures and prayes. In high school I did not have a choice as we pray in class and went to the mess every saturday. It can tell if I had a faith or not, prayers were part of my routine activities and I did not put much thought into religion.

As I've grown up God disappeared over my horizon. I did have a choice and decided I didn't want to go to church anymore. Boys, love and fun seemed to be out of the church and I simply stop going. My parents were fine with it but my grandma didn't like it and sometimes -to please her- I went to church on Christmas. It didn't make sense to me but I loved her so much and I did it for her, she was so happy and proud to see me there.

Two years ago I went to church alone on Christmas day. She was too ill to come and -again- I did it for her. She passed away few days after. Since then my spirituality has changed. I've stumbled upon religious people who made me think about my lost faith. These friends and colleagues aren't sunday morning Christians, they follow on a daily basis christian principles. I began to form my own answers to "the big question" and I still don't know whether I believe or not. Do I believe in God? Yes and no. Do I believe in Jesus? Yes. Do I believe in the church? No. Do I go to church? Not to attend mass but sometimes I do stop by and pray. Do I like the Pope? Not at all.

to be continued...