As mentioned

here, I know where I am going. I have thought about it and I want to be honest, above all with myself. I feel squeezed between two cultures as I was raised catholic but I'm interested in oriental approaches to philosophy, psychology and life in general. I can't tell if I'm buddhist but I can claim that I'm not christian. I do believe in Christ and I love the revolutionary man  and his teachings. I don't believe in other things though and if I relied on faith in the past it's because I needed to believe in God.

I like more philosophical approaches to life and I'm especially inspired by buddhism. So I am going to the East, rather than to the West. In a sense, I'm traveling the spiritual path which seems to lead to the East. So perhaps I was wrong: the two perspectives cannot be brought together or, to put it better, I can't be christian and buddhist at the same time. I'm just a human being who is trying to use a spiritual compass but I need to choose: West or East otherwise I'll get lost.

Loosing one's religion is challenging but I'm pretty much sure of my choice. We will see where life will take me.

It's foggy today

and I feel a bit foggy too. It's of those days you feel fine but there's also a sense of sadness that makes my vision blurry. I still don't have a clear vision of my future and there are challenges this year too which seem bigger than me.

I was knitting (yes, the dog blanket) while watching Little Buddha last night. This wonderful movie made me think about strategies to cope with life challenges. We all have strategies or little tricks either to live better or to give a meaning to life. To me buddhism is a demanding but all encopassing philosophy to define a long term action and a tactic. I don't know if it's for me though. I have read several books on buddhism and when things fall apart I know where I have to look at to feel better. I just have to look inside instead of outside of me. The problem is that my spiritual journeys are far too short. One day I read the gospels and the next day I want to go to Tibet to mediate on life. There is no coherence in my spiritual quest. I don't even know if I'm spiritual at all. Besides, I am a "lonely wolf " meaning that I can't be part of a christian, buddhist or whatever group. I am allergic to groups even if I am a very social person. I have always read books on my own to figure out my own strategy. I'm not still there as I have lots of drafts but no definitive plannings.

In the meanwhile, I read Tolstoj.

All the efforts of several hundred thousand people, crowded in a small space, to disfigure the land on which they lived; all the stone they covered it with to keep it barren; how so diligently every sprouting blade of grass was removed; all the smoke of coal and naphtha; all the cutting down of trees and driving off of cattle could not shut out the spring, even from the city. (Resurrection)

... all the challenges could not shut out the spring, even from this difficult year.