Perspectives

I have put considerable efforts to accomplish professional goals. I really like my job but it is not quite what I expected. I should focus more on relevant issues rather than on things which are far from my responsibility and expertise. Not to mention that I have changed a lot and I have other interests now and private goals I would love to achieve in the near future. My career is not as important to me as it was few years ago and I am certainly open to new job opportunities.

I might open a tea house and pastry shop or even sell my knitting products (well, my scarves). By the way, I'm thinking about uploading a picture of a scarf here and see if someone is interested. I won't make a living with scarves but still, it will be a nice try. If I lost my job I'd probably become seriously involved with Feldenkrais and would try to become a certified teacher.

Until few years ago I wasn't aware of my "body" and of the strict links between body and mind. I wasn't into body & mind issues as books and culture were my main interests. I hadn't been familiar with my body for many years until: a) I stumbled upon a book (this is my way to deal with problems: reading inspiring books); b) I  made a big mistake c) I asked myself what happened to my soul voice d) I underwent a surgery. After all this I realised how much I had lost: my instinctual nature was buried under intellectualism. I dealt with my frustrations and changed my perseptive on life: I don't work anymore on weekends, I listen to my body and I can see the body/mind connections. I've been working on breathing, posture and how to improve my well- being that might be or not related to my daily job. We all have to cope with job related problems, now I am able to put them into the right perspective: job is very important but not as essential as health. I do my best but I don't get stuck: I move on as there are other things in life. It may be sound obvious but it wasn't obvious to me until -as mentioned above- few years ago.

As a writer I love claims, women (I would say human beings) have a soul need to express themselves and they must blossom in ways that are sensible to them. I think I have found ways to blossom which are very important to me and I like sharing and speaking my truth in a clear voice. I'm not obsessed with my job anymore and I do feel much better! Perhaps I've figured out how to open my chakras ;)

I really need to learn

to be more cautious.

A colleague of mine moves to another country for a while. We've been quite close recently but honestly I don't consider this person as a "friend". As soon as C. is abroad, I receive long and very personal emails mainly on how life is much better there and other issues related to work in Italy. C. writes me almost everyday and it seems as though we become "good" friends ... for -say- three weeks. Then something happens and I don't get what it is. All of a sudden C. stops writing. I ask what the hell is happening and C. replies "nothing, I'm just busy". Fine, I'll wait a couple of weeks but all I have from this person is silence. I haven't heard from C. for a couple of months but now we have to work together on a project. I get a very cold email about what we have do and then C. offers to help me because I'm supposed to do a job which is quite far from what I usually do. We work together and then silence again. Someone tells me that C. was in Italy this summer for a short period of time, really? I didn't know that.

The end of the story is that I don't understand people who behave like that.  I feel really stupid as I spent a great amount of time writing to C. I wrote personal stuff too and it wasn't a wise thing to do. You never know how people are, it takes time to get to know someone and I'm 34 so I should be much more careful. However, I'm the kind of person who is very open and generous: I listen, share thoughts and basically devote time to colleague and friends I feel empathy for.

I don't know what happened to C. and I don't even care at this point. The problem is that... C. is coming back to Italy. I don't know when but apparently very soon. I'll have to work with this person but this time there is no screen or physical distance between us....

Part II

* PART I *

[So this how it goes: I write a post without editing it (this is why there are always mistakes but honestly I don't have time to time to write drafts) and then I think about it. Usually I involve my partner in this process and we have long conversations (if the topic is relevant) about the issues I have explored. He doesn't read this blog every day nor spends much time in front of the computer so I tell him to read this or that post. Yesterday night I explained to him this post and I felt as I had a better understanding of my own spiritual journery due to the above mentioned piece of writing. I've never put much thoughts on how blogs can be helpful to reframe our thinking. I'm keen to do more writing...]

I met this amazing man and he played a role in shaping my spiritual path. However, I didn't go to church for a while especially when I broke up with my partner for few months. I/we went through a period of crisis, I got sick and very anxious. I don't remember when and how, oh yes! It was Easter and I went to church. We were together again and we tryed to deal with our problems... and I did quit going to church.

More readings on Buddhism, especially in the summer. I don't know why the summer inspires Buddhist thinking to me. I had a surgery last year and I clearly remember why my mind was relatively calm the day before: the Buiddhist readings! I've never been so calm but to be honest it took me a long time to be like that. While recovering from the surgery I opened this blog and read a book written by a well known Italian journalist who converted to Catholicism (well, he was Catholic but in a sense he converted again) and now  regularly goes (and organizes pilgrimages) to Medjugorie. He has turned into a completly person and the book was fascinating. 

So am I Buddhist or Christian or both? Perhaps I am too a  Christian Buddhist or maybe I'm still  looking for "something" I can't quite put into words. Afterall, we are not human beings on a spiritual journey but spiritual beings on a human journey.

What is certain is that I'm inclined to continue this human journey in order find out more about my spirituality from different perspectives which CAN be brought together. I like reading the Bible (in English by the way! The New International Version is written in clear and modern English) but I want to learn how to meditate. I don't identify with a label. So far so good and I'm thankful for all the interesting online resources I've stumbled upon.

Spiritual paths

This is a good way to explain where I am now (in a spiritual sense): at the intersection between two traditions. In my never ending spiritual quest, I've met few people, read some books, had interesting conversations that brought me to this crossroad. The following is part I of the trip (it's a bit long... but it's worth it if one wants to know me better, plus it's even funny).

I was raised Catholic but soon lost interest in religion. When I moved to Canada in 2004 I happened to live with a free methodist pastor and his family. It was not a "choice", I was looking for an accomodation and the person I worked with suggested me to live with his friends without mentioning that they were all deeply involved with religion (and were quite young which struck me). They ended up being wonderful people and I loved living in a sort of religious community. They didn't ask me to go the church where he preached but I did go and it was ... a shock. The service went on for more than hour and half, the "church" didn't look like a church but it was an  "area" where people gathered, sang, read out loud passages of the bible. Don't take me wrong, there were rules to follow but -in comparison the Italian (=Catholic) way of approaching religion- it seemed a kind of strange and even awkard. First, the church was filled with young people and children, second the atmosphere was filled with joy and celebration. Forget the original sin and sense of guilt that is inherent to Catholic moral teachings: those people were happy, spirtual, friendly and even fun! I was deeply moved by this experience and went to the church every Sunday.

However, I felt far from being as religious as the claimed to be. Sometimes I was overwhelmed, especially by a housemate who believed herself to be the reincarnation of the Virgin Mary, I will never forget when her family came to visit her. We hugged while praying the in middle of the living room, at some point I even thought that I was being punk'd... but Ashton Kutcher didn't show up so I just thought that I was surrounded by crazy warriors of God. The first thing her dad asked me was: are you Christian? [WFT??!!] And then he said: let's pray together like he was saying -I don't know- let's have a coffee which would have made much more sense to me!

There were modern warriors/extremists who made me think and left me speachless but when I came back to Italy I felt more "attracted" to religion. As I didn't like going to the church here, I almost lost interest again but became interested in Buddhism and read several books about it. I didn't fully embrace buddhism as I  had a reluctance for reasons that I cannot explain. Buddhist philosophy is so different from my culture that I found it difficult to understand and practice.

I was far from any religious beliefs when I met K. on a business trip. We met in Split and one evening he told his touching story. K, a young and handsome man who looks healthy and strong, got cancer few years ago and went through many tough experiences. When he was in hospital he started reading the Bible and his life changed: he re-married his wife in a Catholic church, adoped three kids and had lived ever since following the Christian path.The day after, he brought me a small book: "it's good for prayers and meditation". It was good indeed and I read it on the plane.

To be continued...

Hidden fire

The main risk when one is so focused on writing is losing touch with reality. I don't bake, dress up, go out anymore: I am absorbed in my thoughts. Moreover writing in another language is a significant effort, I'm exhausted at the end of the day. I can't even speak sometimes. I have become to realize that this is one of the few things I'm good at. Not sure I could do something else.

One of the main reason why I'm so looking forward to have a baby is being closer to my inner nature. I'm much more than my writings, have a look under the surface! There's a hidden fire.

It's foggy today

and I feel a bit foggy too. It's of those days you feel fine but there's also a sense of sadness that makes my vision blurry. I still don't have a clear vision of my future and there are challenges this year too which seem bigger than me.

I was knitting (yes, the dog blanket) while watching Little Buddha last night. This wonderful movie made me think about strategies to cope with life challenges. We all have strategies or little tricks either to live better or to give a meaning to life. To me buddhism is a demanding but all encopassing philosophy to define a long term action and a tactic. I don't know if it's for me though. I have read several books on buddhism and when things fall apart I know where I have to look at to feel better. I just have to look inside instead of outside of me. The problem is that my spiritual journeys are far too short. One day I read the gospels and the next day I want to go to Tibet to mediate on life. There is no coherence in my spiritual quest. I don't even know if I'm spiritual at all. Besides, I am a "lonely wolf " meaning that I can't be part of a christian, buddhist or whatever group. I am allergic to groups even if I am a very social person. I have always read books on my own to figure out my own strategy. I'm not still there as I have lots of drafts but no definitive plannings.

In the meanwhile, I read Tolstoj.

All the efforts of several hundred thousand people, crowded in a small space, to disfigure the land on which they lived; all the stone they covered it with to keep it barren; how so diligently every sprouting blade of grass was removed; all the smoke of coal and naphtha; all the cutting down of trees and driving off of cattle could not shut out the spring, even from the city. (Resurrection)

... all the challenges could not shut out the spring, even from this difficult year.

I have a small diary

that I used to share with a friend of mine when we were 19 or so. We wrote letters to each other about life, literature and poetry. We were very close for a brief period of time ...then she disappeared from my life due to tough personal issues but I still have our precious journal.

Surprinsingly enough today in a local newspaper I've found an article on her career as a theatre director! She lives abroad and apparently she is very well known and has her own theatre company. I'm so proud of her and I cannot be happier for this creative and inspiring woman.

This is for you, A. You have really changed your life!

We have to take risks. We can only truly understand the miracle of life when we let the unexpected manifest itself.
Every day – together with the sun – God gives us a moment in which it is possible to change everything that makes us unhappy. Every day we try to pretend that we don’t realize that moment, that it doesn’t exist, that today is just the same as yesterday and will be the same as tomorrow. But if you pay attention, you can discover the magic instant.
It may be hiding at the moment when we put the key in the door in the morning, in the silence right after dinner, in the thousand and one things that all seem the same to us. This moment exists – a moment when all the strength of the stars passes through us and lets us work miracles.
Happiness is at times a blessing – but usually it’s a conquest. The magic instant helps us to change, drives us forward to seek our dreams. We shall suffer and go through quite a few difficult moments and face many a disappointment – but this is all transitory and inevitable, and eventually we shall feel proud of the marks left behind by the obstacles. In the future we will be able to look back with pride and faith.
Poor are those who are afraid of running risks. Because maybe they are never disappointed, never disillusioned, never suffer like those who have a dream to pursue. But when they look back – for we always look back – they will hear their heart saying: “What did you do with the miracles that God sowed for your days? What did you do with the talent that your Master entrusted to you? You buried it deep in a grave because you were afraid to lose it. So this is your inheritance: the certainty that you have wasted your life.”
Poor are those who hear these words. For then they will believe in miracles, but the magic instants of life will have already passed.

in “By the river Piedra I sat down and wept” (The Magic Moment)

ps. I know you don't believe in God. I have doubts either but the first part of the above quote is just... you.

I did it again

I know, it's unbelievable. Another adventure in the blogland. Nobody knows about this blog, except my "blogger friend" Andy who is likely to be my only reader. Neither my friends nor my partner have a clue about this crazy obsession of mine and I don't want to advertise this public-private spot. I did have quite a nice blog but then -as usual- while I was in Canada I had a chat with my friend about blogs and social networks and I changed my mind again. She strongly disapproves blogs and I didn't want her to be upset because I'd written something about my Canadian experience (I've proabably messed up the verbs here but I'm recovering from the surgery!).

As I mentioned, I'm recovering from a surgery I had one week ago. I feel fine, the surgery went well but the healing process is long. I have to stay at home for a month, no stress, I can't lift up heavy things and I can't even go out with my dog which sucks. My boy is too big.

I attempted reading light books in Italian but I couldn't focus due to anesthesia side effects. I tried again yesterday but I rather prefer watching crap on tv which is very unusual to me. What I can do is writing. I've written lots of emails all around the globe to reassure my friends and colleagues: I'm fine guys, don't worry. I can also read in English (just started this) but mostly I spend a great amount of time doing nothing. I feel good but probably my body and my mind need time to recharge the batteries. The less in on mind the better it is. However, I've missed writing and given the fact that I don't want to write in Italian for reasons I explained elsewhere, I will write here in English.

It's pretty cold here. I mean, I don't know exactely how cold it is outside but I'm surprised it hasn't snowed yet. I see few rays of light from my window and everything is still and quite. The dog is sleeping on the couch, I'm sure he's dreaming about running with me. Be patient baby, we'll run together soon.