A different stage

It's pouring raining and I'm staying at home. Not for the rain, even if it would be a good reason to stay inside. This damp and gray morning makes me think about this stage of my life. I have been dealing with some challenges in the last few weeks. I haven't spent enough quality time with my soul mate. He has been very busy and when we are together we are often tired and/or nervous. We had planned to move in together by the end of this year but the renovation works take longer than expected. The option might be to temporarily move to another place and we are seriously thinking about it. It's not that simple as we need to find a place for few months and there is only one possibility which seems reasonable. However, other people are involved (I do want to go into details here) and more talk is needed. Hopefully, we will sort this out in the following days. I really want to move in with him as soon as possibile. I can't wait any longer and I'm sure our relationship will benefit from living together: we desperately need to live our own life!

More over, I feel completely disconnected from my work. I've realised that I'm not as passionate about my work as I used to be. As above mentioned, this is perhaps just a stage but I don't know how to cope with those unpleasant feelings. They have been "knocking on my head" for a long time and I just can't drop these thoughts as they were not important.

On the plus side, I am getting involved (and I am passionate about it!) in politics. Like many Italians, I'm fed up with Mister B. and I think it's time to get actively involved in order to change the political landscape. I go to local meetings and I support a political party.

I also feel the urge to write and share my thoughts, projects (i.e. knitting stuff) etc. on my blog. It seems that writing keeps me alive and I'd like to move ahead. There's nothing professional in this blog, but I would like a more stylish way to put content on the web as I'm planning to open a virtual shop to sell my handmake scarves.

Underground Cathedrals & Books & something else

We're going to see some underground cathedrals (see also here) this coming weekend: I can't wait as I love that area. My partner has found a very romantic place to stay. He is pretty good at it ;) We'll be back on Monday afternoon... I can't miss Pilates. I guess I'll need to work out next week:

- tomorrow: lunch with my best friend (pasta with zucchini, mint and fresh ricotta plus dessert);

- Saturday: lunch to celebrate my dad's birthday at a well known (and very good) restaurant not too far from where I live. Dinner with friends (homemade pizza);

- Sunday: Piedmontese cuisine at lunch and dinner, namely not so light food and excellent wines.

- Monday: + 3 kg!

I've just bought two novels written by very good Italian writers: Niccolò Ammaniti and SandroVeronesi. I don't know if their books have been translated into English. Google them, Ammaniti's and Veronesi's books are always worth reading. 

I've been busy lately and I haven't had time to write about a meeting with someone I haven't seen for more than 20 years. She gave me a picture of us when we were 10 years old ... good memories and nostalgia. I'll write soon about it.

I am far better now than last summer which is unusual as one always feels great on holidays. It is possibly related to several aspects. My mom, who has been suffering from a chronic disease for a long time, is doing very well. I can't quite believe it, she is a different person. I love her so much, we are very close and it's great to see her living again. She is busy renewing her house and seems very excited about it. Pilates and Feldenkrais have changed my perspective and I have been changing... for the better (as one of my colleagues told me yesterday). We have been planning our life together and after 13 years I can see major changes coming up. We'll move in together very soon and hopefully have kids. 

Have a good weekend :)

How it went

I see her with the baby is her arms. Here you are, she says, and your hair is red! Yes oh... so cute, she is beautiful! And I hug them. I'm nervous but the excitement of being around them is far more intense than my own tension. It's a good feeling, I am not unconfortable. We sit on the couch and start talking about her pregnancy, the birth and how she is. You look great, I say, and I mean it. She is slim and fit, it makes me feel as I had a baby! She has a flat stomach and a milky breast which is just perfect. If I had been pregnant for 9 months (of course!) and breastfeding for three weeks I'd look like moby dick.

She asks about my life, my job and my partner. They met more than 10 years ago and I'm not sure she recalls him. I don't know how you've done it so far, she says. You've never lived together, it's amazing. Our paths have been very different. She moved to Milan several years ago and lived alone for a while and then with her husband. I know she thinks that I'm not as "complete" as she is but I'm fine with that, this thought doesn't ruin the meeting.

She brestfeeds the baby in a way that is very natural to me. Unlike me, she is definitely born to be a mom. It took me years to realise that I have maternal instinct but yet I'm not 100% confortable with a baby in my arms as I am with ... a puppy! Perhaps I should dedicate my life to animals instead of dreaming about babies. I take the baby for a while and I glimpse in the mirror. Am I ready? I look like a teenager with her dolly.

We are relaxed now, the conversation is easy even if the air is filled with unspoken words and emotions. It seems we haven't met for a short period of time but it's been 6 long years. It's time to go and she wants to walk with me to the underground station. Thank you, she says, I really wanted to see you because it's such a crucial moment to me and it seemed wrong not to reconnect. It seemed also wrong at my wedding and you know what? I cried when I got the flowers you sent me.

A close hug before I go. We don't cry but our eyes are far from being dry.

I have realised

that I cannot write in Italian which is a bit weird. So, forget the "changes". I just can't, for reasons that I can't even explain. This blog was conceived in English and it seems as though I have problem to switch to my own language. As I mentioned, I feel the urge to use Italian but my last post, for instance, does not represent "me" in a sense. Lola is the Italian girl who writes in English. Believe it or not, I don't like the Italian version of me. Anyway, I guess my few readers will be happy with this?

I'm in Rome. Oh my, it is so different from Milan! I love it. People seem less tense here, they have dinner outside, chat and walk in a very relaxed way. Coming from a small town, Milan is hell to me while Rome is a bit more like heaven. A bit more it doesn't mean that I would like living here. It's messy and noisy but there are some places that make this city unique. I had a long walk in Villa Borghese and I tried to free my mind from basically everything. I also had dinner alone at Via Veneto which was expensive but definitely worth it. I treat myself from time to time ;).

I tried to free my mind (and it worked, which is amazing for someone like me) but I also thought about vital and personal choices. One of them is pregnacy. I did have doubts about it. Few months ago I was looking forward to get pregnant and now the excitement is fading away. I think it's because I tend to over analyse things. Years ago, when I was in my mid twenties, adoption rather than pregnancy was my main desire. I didn't want to try to have kids as -I thought- it was an egoistic impulse. I still think that it is egoistic: there are plenty of kids out there! A kid should be a part of a "love project": it doesn't matter if he/she has your DNA.  Adoption is still ideal to me. We talked about it but it was few years ago and haven't touched upon this issue lately. However, I'm also aware that motherhood is a very natural feeling and even if it is linked to egoism ("I want that belly too", "I want to experience 9 wonderful months", "I can hear my biological clock"!) it is FINE to have these feelings. This is probably my main problem: is it OK to have a baby rather than adopt one who needs parents? I thought that my doubts were related to a lack of maternal insticts but it's not like that. They are connected to the fact that I would rather prefer adoption, this would make much more sense to me. A love project, not a egoistic act which has to do with my biological clock. My second problem is that my partner has other priorities now and I don't really get if he is really interested in having kids or not. I just don't get it and I wish I had a better understading of this.

Oh! I have written a lot and I'm tired now...

Reconnecting with myself

Although I've been very busy lately, I've also taken time to reconnect with myself. I have become aware of the fact that my body is as important as my brain and I do exercize almost every day. 45 minutes brisk walking and pilates once a week. I am also willing to take up Tai Chi, there will be a free class at my tiny tainy cultural association next week. Pilates is great but as I already mentioned, it 's also very difficult as one has to be constantly focused. I wish I had classes at leat twice a week until September instead of a short course. I am much more aware of my body and my posture and I enjoy that Pilates is slow and controlled so that I have time to adjust my entire body to it. It takes patience though.

I have also changed my diet and I do feel much better even if ... London was far too cold for me and I still have cough and sore throat. I'm now trying with raw garlic which has several health benefits (inter alia, it's a powerful antibiotic), including fighting cough. The main problem with garlic is kissing ;). Don't chew it and you won't have garlic breath.

I feel relaxed and happy with my body also because sexual life is now back to normal. It was so challenging  to deal with sexual related problems due to tough hormonal treatment before and right after surgery. I missed intimacy but I didn't feel confortable with my body. My partner has been incredibly sweet and patient, I'm so lucky.

At this stage of my life, reconnecting with myself means embracing my vulnerabilities and rediscovering my body.

Knots

There is an unsolved emotional knot in my life: L. She was my best friend for a long time. We went to high school together and stayed in touch while in college. We also attended the same University and spent a great amount of time together: holidays, weekend and so forth. We grew up sharing our experiences about our first crushes on boys and deep feelings on life and family. I didn’t notice there was a problem between us until I met my current partner when I was around 20. I broke up with C. and fell desperately in love with him.

During this life revolution L. basically disappeared claiming she had troubles with her family which was only partly true. While on one hand I suffered, on the other I enjoyed my brand new love without putting much thoughts into her weird behavior. After few months, she told me the truth: she did have troubles but she was also a bit jealous of me who –unlike her- always had boyfriends. All of a sudden I realized that her jealousy had deep roots: I was the “nice” and thin one opposed to slightly overweight and not so nice girl. Boys had a crush on me, not on her. I had an open minded family while she had to fight daily against a catholic mentality. My mum was a beautiful and independent woman who raised me with strong ethical and laic principles while hers was a fake catholic dependent from the husband.

As soon as I became aware of all the envy, I “broke up” with L. In 2004 we met for the last time as I was leaving for Canada and she wanted to say goodbye. She was a completely different person: very thin and fit, focused on her physical appearance and proud to have a partner.

She is married and pregnant now. Sometimes she sends me text messages for Christmas or for my birthday. When I get a message I dream of her. It’s very strange as I don’t think about her during the day but she hunts me at night. Last night I even dreamt of her brother. Obviously she is an emotional knot, perhaps because she was the first big delusion in my life. I can’t get rid of her and I wish I could tell L. what I feel. Last year she tried to get in touch with me but I didn’t want to see her. However, deep inside of me, I would like to solve this knot and see her, speak out loud all my feelings.

Venice (again)

The sun helps me feel better and I do feel fine today. Right after I published the post I realized that it was a mistake. I felt guilty because the post is about very private stuff and I didn't want to hurt my partner. However, I also became aware of the fact that "feeling guilty" doesn't help at all. I had the urgent need to write down my problems and the blog is a way to share and feel lighter.

I'm working on an ambitious paper focused on a very specific and complicated topic. I've been reading, analysing and studying many books and I feel lucky as I can explore one the most negleted aspect in my field. It's a lot of work, though, and I don't have much time to write two articles. Hopefully at some point I'll give up reading and I'll start writing.

At the end of the day I need to focus on something else, that's why I picked up a book written by the good contemporary Italian writer Melania Mazzucco. La caduta dell'Angelo is about Tintoretto and it's (obviously) set in Venice. I love reading books set in this magical city. MY Venice is far from the most popular places (San Marco, Rialto and so forth) and thanks to my ucle we had the chance to visit less well known and beautiful parts.

Behind the visible

I am sorry baby, you will probably come across this post. Perhaps you aren’t aware of how inhibit I am talking about this issue through a language I certainly master more than English. I can’t use Italian because it would be too hard to me to analyze the situation without the help of these “cultural lens” that force me to structure my thoughts and feelings in a different grammar. Moreover, writing is better than talking as I take all the time I need to articulate my emotions. Frankly writing you a letter or an email in English is ridiculous and when I think about a place that is totally mine, this is one of first that comes to my mind. 

The crude reality is that my life isn’t the paradise that seems to be looking at this white, pink and purple blog. I do have a major problem, even though I try not to think about it. But it’s there and it will not fade away with a blink of an eye.There’s something that lies underneath this strong and accomplished woman. It’s a river that flows toward the ocean I haven’t been able to reach. It’s the ocean of the lost instincts buried under thick intellectualism. I have always pretended to be more interested in my career than in my own private life. The latter is crucial and I always loved so much my partner but I have never told him how much I have suffered because we have never lived together. We still don’t live together, the “we” I sometimes mention here is me and my family. For complex reasons I don’t want to share we don’t live under the same roof.

This is my main problem. I haven’t blossomed with him and my development as a woman has been a failure because of this missing piece. I am the daughter, the niece, the independent and frustrated woman in career who has never lived fully many aspects of a multifaceted personality.

I am the eternal girlfriend who still sleeps in a single bed.

This has an enormous impact on my psychological balance even if everything seems just fine. I live in a beautiful house and my parents love me immensely but I am not a teenager anymore and although I adore them I do want MY family. Basically I have always tried to hide many sides of me and the destruction of my life has its roots in all these hidden but vital parts that struggle to see the light now. They need water and sun, otherwise they would dry out forever. Creativity, sensual energy, sweetness, passion. I am all this and even more! I can talk for hours about theoretical approaches and contemporary history but please hear my soul voice and help me feeding my instinctual nature.

We all have –as Jung argues- the moral obligation to live out and express ourselves. 

*************************

These descarted, devalued, and "unaccetable" aspects of soul and self do not just lie there in the dark but rather conspire about how and when they shall make a break for freedom. They burble down there in unconscious, they seethe, they boil, till one day no matter how well the lid over them is sealed, they explode outward and upward in an unchanneled torrent and with a will of their own.

Pinkola Estés

Check up

Everything seems just fine. I'm not on Lupron anymore and I do feel sensual again. Today I've realized that my breast is still where is supposed to be: I'm not as flat as the kitchen table as few weeks ago. My hormons are almost back to normal and all is well healed. 6 months on birth control and then we can try to get pregnant.

I'm thrilled even though I don't take for granted that it will be easy. Hopefully we'll try this summer, we're planning to go to the mountain and relax, walk and focus on us as much as we can. At least I'm planning this kind of holidays but I mentioned to him my ideas and he seems fine with it. I have never been to the mountain in the summer (I love the sea) but this year I really want to get stronger and fit before my belly gets too big to walk for hours. I appreciate how well my body handled the surgery, it definitely deservers more attention and love.

The most important thing is that the surgery went well and that I don't have to take this shit. Cheers! I'm a woman again.

It's foggy again (random thoughts)

and the humidity penetrates in my bones. However, I walk the dog almost every day. It keeps my mind clear and my body fit. I feel well, tomorrow I'll have my 6 weeks post surgery check up and I'm looking forward to ask some questions (can I run with my 38 kg. dog?!).

We saw an amazing movie (IT) last weekend. Italian cinema is NOT dead: Tornatore, Salvatores, Virzì and Ozpetek are very talented and should deserve much more attention. I completely disagree with Tarantino, the new Italian cinema is vital and I love it.

I work at home today. I've been focusing more lately but I'm still a little distracted. I guess the medical treatment and the surgery have played a big role (I'm pretty sure they have) but there should be something else that keeps me "emotionally detached" from what I do. I used to love my work whereas now I have a different approach. It's important but it's not "crucial" to me. I have put a lot of energy, love and efforts but now it seems as though everything has dried out. I don't know what's happening, perhaps I'm just trying to find a balance between my private life and my job.

Death in Venice (in Italian)

Nulla esiste di più singolare, di più scabroso, che il rapporto fra persone che si conoscano solo attraverso lo sguardo: ogni giorno, ogni ora s'incontrano, si osservano e nello stesso tempo, costrette per civiltà o per bizzaria personale a insistere nella finzione, serbano un contegno indifferente e staccato, non si salutano nè scambiano parola. Tra loro si forma un fluido d'inquietudine e di curiosità esacerbata, un isterico bisogno, inappagato o innaturalmente represso, di conoscenza e di mutuo scambio, e soprattutto, infine, una sorta di ansioso riguardo: poichè l'uomo ama l'uomo e lo onora finchè non è in grado di giudicarlo; e dall'incompleto conoscersi nasce il desiderio.

Thomas Mann

Sto leggendo in italiano La morte a Venezia e nella mia lingua sento il bisogno di scrivere questo post dedicato alle città, all'amore e all'amicizia. "Ho voglia leggere di una città" mi sono detta. C'è vento forte fuori, non mi va di uscire. Ho cercato tra i numerosi libri di mia madre che non ho ancora letto. Lei adora i classici russi e i capolavori della letteratura inglese. Gli autori tedeschi sono pochi ma ho scovato Thomas Mann tra Goethe e qualcun altro che ora non ricordo.
La morte a Venezia, oggi vado in laguna.

Nella mia mente si affollano d'un tratto le immagini del film di Visconti: un solo personaggio, in realtà, accarezza i miei pensieri. E' Tadzio, interpretato da un perfetto ragazzo biondo dalla carnagione color avorio. Inizio a leggere e mi viene in mente la mia Venezia, quella del canale della Giudecca, distante dall'affollata e turistica San Marco. Poi i pensieri vanno a ritroso, alla ricerca dei luoghi del 2009. Li associo a conversazioni, a persone che hanno sfiorato magicamente la mia vita. Ricordo Spalato, la colazione con la frutta fresca e una storia di cambiamento interiore che mi è stata raccontata per una strana combinazione del destino. Il mare e la camminata da sola lungo la spiaggia stretta e lunga. Il gelato, il vento e il lusso dell'albergo.

Bucarest. Non è una bella città, c'è solo cemento e in un grande hotel di cemento ci troviamo. Beviamo vino e cerchiamo di conoscerci un po' fino a quando i destini -ancora una volta- si incrociano indissolubilmente. Quasi non ci crediamo. Le nostre vite sono legate a filo doppio e restiamo a parlare fino al mattino.

E ogni giorno, ogni viaggio, regalo la mia anima a chi la sa osservare.

Message in a bottle

Just a little note to say that we did have a lovely evening yesterday night. However, today I miss my American friend who has just moved to another state. He is so balanced, I wish I could have a chat with him right now. I miss my Polish friend as well: I'd love to see her ASAP and drink a glass of wine as we did few months ago laughing and crying for our common "fate". I miss these two so much. I don't know if they are aware of the role they have played in my life.

I had a glass of spumante before dinner. I was alone in the kitchen and I thought about you.