that I cannot write in Italian which is a bit weird. So, forget the "changes". I just can't, for reasons that I can't even explain. This blog was conceived in English and it seems as though I have problem to switch to my own language. As I mentioned, I feel the urge to use Italian but my last post, for instance, does not represent "me" in a sense. Lola is the Italian girl who writes in English. Believe it or not, I don't like the Italian version of me. Anyway, I guess my few readers will be happy with this?
I'm in Rome. Oh my, it is so different from Milan! I love it. People seem less tense here, they have dinner outside, chat and walk in a very relaxed way. Coming from a small town, Milan is hell to me while Rome is a bit more like heaven. A bit more it doesn't mean that I would like living here. It's messy and noisy but there are some places that make this city unique. I had a long walk in Villa Borghese and I tried to free my mind from basically everything. I also had dinner alone at Via Veneto which was expensive but definitely worth it. I treat myself from time to time ;).
I tried to free my mind (and it worked, which is amazing for someone like me) but I also thought about vital and personal choices. One of them is pregnacy. I did have doubts about it. Few months ago I was looking forward to get pregnant and now the excitement is fading away. I think it's because I tend to over analyse things. Years ago, when I was in my mid twenties, adoption rather than pregnancy was my main desire. I didn't want to try to have kids as -I thought- it was an egoistic impulse. I still think that it is egoistic: there are plenty of kids out there! A kid should be a part of a "love project": it doesn't matter if he/she has your DNA. Adoption is still ideal to me. We talked about it but it was few years ago and haven't touched upon this issue lately. However, I'm also aware that motherhood is a very natural feeling and even if it is linked to egoism ("I want that belly too", "I want to experience 9 wonderful months", "I can hear my biological clock"!) it is FINE to have these feelings. This is probably my main problem: is it OK to have a baby rather than adopt one who needs parents? I thought that my doubts were related to a lack of maternal insticts but it's not like that. They are connected to the fact that I would rather prefer adoption, this would make much more sense to me. A love project, not a egoistic act which has to do with my biological clock. My second problem is that my partner has other priorities now and I don't really get if he is really interested in having kids or not. I just don't get it and I wish I had a better understading of this.
Oh! I have written a lot and I'm tired now...
