This morning

A ray of light (and my belly)

It's been raining since yesterday night. I woke up at 6:40 at it seemed 3 a.m: almost no light which I found very depressing. When I lived in Canada I had to wait until 10 in the morning to see a ray of light. I walked to the University in the dark, every single day. On my way back it was even worse as at 6:30 p.m in Ontario (December) is as dark as in a night without stars and moon. The same applies to the "wet coast": last November in Vancouver was far too dark for me.

I NEED more light! 

On the positive side, I'll go to Pilates later on. It cheers me up as the teacher is so funny and warm. Usually things go like this:

"Lolaaaa"

"Yes"

"Your belly moves. You're not breathing properly"

"It's not true"

"It is. Stop moving your belly, Lola"

"I'm not moving it. I DO have a belly, I'm not flat like you!"

"Nooo. You are not breathing properly. PULL YOUR BELLY BOTTON TO YOUR SPINE, Lola"

"Ok......... I can't"

"What??"

I can tell you, it is challenging. One has to:

- pull the belly botton to the spine

- do the lateral breathing and maintain it through the exercize.

Not to mention when one has to imagine a diamond in the pelvis! Last time my imagination was so powerful that I felt the urge to urinate!  (the culet was too close to my bladder).

How it went

I see her with the baby is her arms. Here you are, she says, and your hair is red! Yes oh... so cute, she is beautiful! And I hug them. I'm nervous but the excitement of being around them is far more intense than my own tension. It's a good feeling, I am not unconfortable. We sit on the couch and start talking about her pregnancy, the birth and how she is. You look great, I say, and I mean it. She is slim and fit, it makes me feel as I had a baby! She has a flat stomach and a milky breast which is just perfect. If I had been pregnant for 9 months (of course!) and breastfeding for three weeks I'd look like moby dick.

She asks about my life, my job and my partner. They met more than 10 years ago and I'm not sure she recalls him. I don't know how you've done it so far, she says. You've never lived together, it's amazing. Our paths have been very different. She moved to Milan several years ago and lived alone for a while and then with her husband. I know she thinks that I'm not as "complete" as she is but I'm fine with that, this thought doesn't ruin the meeting.

She brestfeeds the baby in a way that is very natural to me. Unlike me, she is definitely born to be a mom. It took me years to realise that I have maternal instinct but yet I'm not 100% confortable with a baby in my arms as I am with ... a puppy! Perhaps I should dedicate my life to animals instead of dreaming about babies. I take the baby for a while and I glimpse in the mirror. Am I ready? I look like a teenager with her dolly.

We are relaxed now, the conversation is easy even if the air is filled with unspoken words and emotions. It seems we haven't met for a short period of time but it's been 6 long years. It's time to go and she wants to walk with me to the underground station. Thank you, she says, I really wanted to see you because it's such a crucial moment to me and it seemed wrong not to reconnect. It seemed also wrong at my wedding and you know what? I cried when I got the flowers you sent me.

A close hug before I go. We don't cry but our eyes are far from being dry.

Out of the shadow... into the light

I've taken your suggestions and -hopefully- I'll see her next week. I'm not sure as I've just replied to her email to arrange a meeting next week. They're planning to go to the mountains with the baby (who, by the way, is beautiful!) so I'm not sure if we're going to make it. We will see. I'm ready to meet her now and the baby will smooth everything.

Now it's not just me who dreams about her. My mum too! Isn't it strange? And also, when I think of her (like earlier this morning) I get an email. This is one of the strangest things I've ever experienced. However, I also think women have powerful energies and ancient instinctual wisdom. The "heart beneath the heart",  the untouchable essence of what lies underneath is what makes us connected.

Light and tasty lunch

Thinking... in a ray of light

Light in my living room