Sometimes I feel the urge to hug and kiss my colleagues but I refrain from showing affection. There is a sort of unwritten rule or etiquette: if love is not involved it’s better to avoid physical contact, especially at the work place. Cheek kissing is fine, it’s our greeting habit but I would hug them more if it wasn’t considered inappropriate which I don’t think it is even in professional settings. We all are approximately the same age and we are not sexually interested in each other but still there are physical boundaries that I don’t fully understand.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s important to establish physical boundaries in relationships and I don’t necessarily want to be touched and hugged all the time. However, I think that my country is increasingly becoming a touch deprived society and I’m wondering what has led us to this. I’m aware this could be seen as a rough generalization but I think that “showing affection” has become so sexualized that even very warm people like Italians refrain from conveying warmth. It is sad though because it would be much easier to be open and clear instead of avoiding contact because it may be not appropriate.
Through the sexual objectification of women in Italy and elsewhere friendliness is sometimes seen as an interest that goes far beyond friendship. “I don’t hug because I’m not sexually interested in you” is, I think, a common approach. However, physical manifestations of empathy are very important to reduce stress for instance and chimps know it better us.
Body contact is so sexualized that we tend to avoid it and I miss it! I would feel more comfortable if I could hug my male colleagues more often instead of thinking that I shouldn’t because I don’t want to sleep with them.
HI LOLA_
ReplyDeleteGood article!! And I agree - there is way too much stigma and over analyzing around 'touch'. I believe it is about sexual appropriateness or lack there of that drives this fear. I, like you, love to hug and touch and caress and stroke and so forth. I am very physical. So when we meet we can hug and play with each others hair and even hold hands. :-)
Love you
Gail
peace.....
Lola? Favor?
ReplyDeleteAny chance you woulds consider making your font a tad bigger? - I really struggle to read the print. phew.
Love ya
Hahahaha. Lola, you are lucky. For us British touching has always been fraught with undercurrents of sexuality and, therefore, we just don't do it.
ReplyDeleteDid you ever read the bit about Best Mate coming to visit me? We hug but we both know that we both feel so uncomfortable about it - and yet we both still want to do it. And we both know there's no sexual side - we're just best mates. So we hug twice only. When we first meet and when we part :-D
But I miss physical contact with other humans, I know. And it's one of the things that I treasure about being in a relationship - it's OK to hug and touch (sort of) and cuddle and so forth.
That's interesting.
ReplyDeleteI left Italy what seems like ages ago, in 1985 (were you born??). Then, physical contact among friends, relatives, even older neighbours, was far more common. I thought northern Europe was a strange place, people touching each other almost only when they were drunk, and then almost always with a sexual undertone.
I learned later that here in Norway people are literally hungry after being touched and comforted when they're sad or sick. Especially older people, from the generation where touch (and being "weak") was forbidden can fall apart in tears if you take their hand. But they like it.
There's a change happening. The younger generations up here have more physical contact: they live closer together than their farming grandparents,they travel more,they are far more multicultural. There's a lot of talk about showing feelings, bodily contact,other cultures in Norway.
In Italy, however, quite the opposite is happening: a total sexualization, a harder society.
I'm no sociologist, but I wonder what's happening, and why.
@Gail: sounds good ;) I'll try to make it bigger but probably this is a default size for this template. I'll check.
ReplyDelete@Andy: I know how the Brits are ;) although my Scots friends (I know, scots are NOT british) are more physical and hug me quite often. Hug your best mate more often and see what happens ... and let us know!
@arte: I've always thought that in norther Europe people just don't touch but I'm glad to hear things have been changing. And yes, it's interesting to compare different countries and social habits. I would be interested in learning more about what is going on in Norway.
Very interesting post.
ReplyDeleteshowing affection” has become so sexualized that even very warm people like Italians refrain from conveying warmth
True, something is changing in this country, I see it in the streets, offices, bars etc.
The question is: is it for good? Hopefully not. Bits of globalization, stress, political feuds... I hope Italians will not really change that much in affection and hugs. They possibly need to make more children, to get over the bad economy (and MOVE ON as for the Berlusca era).
If something must be changed, pls let's not drop the affection and the hugging, pls - sex is wonderful but belongs to another sphere - and let us take what is good from abroad lol.
Which doesn't mean I'm criticizing the traits Andy is describing so well about the Britons, no, no. That is them, I like them the way they are, and us, the way we are.
I am confused and stressed too. And I probably need hugs too or coccole, like any mammal :-)
Hi Man of Roma,
ReplyDeleteit's nice to see you here :)
Thanks for stopping by.
It's not for good, that's for sure.
I hope things will change direction, especially as far the Berlusca era.
;)