It's gray

or grey?

I'm not in the mood for anything except for knitting and reading which I can certainly do given that I work at home today. I feel a bit dizzy but I don't know why. It might be related to PMS or even to Feldenkrais as it  releases tensions and I tend to somatize stress. I even didn't go out for a walk with big boy this morning! Anyway, I don't feel bad just... well, I'm sure you are all familiar with "not in the mood" days. I wish I had Pilates today and I also wish I haven't caught the flu!

On the positive side, we'll be going to the mountains until Monday to celebrate my partner's birthday. Hopefully my mood will improve (I'm sure it will). Just the two of us, so it will be a romantic gateway. The poor guy will try to relax and especially to sleep longer in the morning. I usually get up between 6:30 and 7:30 without an alarm clock: I'll finish the first scarf and begin the second while he snores.

Perhaps we will go the mountains also next week to attend a meditation seminar which will be held in a Buddhist monastery. Honestly, it's me who is interested but is he is too sensitive and good to say no. While I'll desperately try to calm my mind, he will fall asleep (guess why I call him sloth?!). I need a sloth, though, as I'm the opposite. I couldn't live with someone like me! He is always calm, easygoing, almost never upset or concerned, balanced and above all he likes sleeping. I have to go to bed before midnight in order to get enough sleep. No matter if he gets to bed at 10 p.m. or 3 a.m. ... he doesn't wake up until someone barks or shouts in his ears. I do wake up if I hear a butterfly flying outside my bedroom window (this is also why I've never moved to a big city: I need SILENCE).

I must confess that in more than 10 years together I've learned how to be less anxious but it has been a longat I have an unknown illness with high mortalty (and neve process and some efforts are still required. I'm better off now because of my sweet sloth and my interest in oriental philosophies otherwhise I would never sleep through the night and probably never stop thinking thr stop checking signs of ovulation: "we have to do it NOW, ok?" Yes, I tend to be this kind of person).

my partner climbing his favourite tree ;)

Silence, space and Mrs.Dalloway

It would have been a perfect afternoon to focus on writing. There's nobody around, it's a grey day and the space -usually filled with books, people, sounds- it is nearly empty. Instead, I constantly check my emails, speak on the phone, think about how I relaxed I am. Yes, I am "relaxing as it is", as my screen saver's statement says. I'm too relaxed, that's the problem... procastinating decisions and work commitments. I will be fine, I'll go through all I have to do in the next days. 

It's quiet to the extent I can hear my own thoughts. Ideas make noise, a soft pillow-like noise when one turns during sleep. It crossed my mind to call my shadow but I wasn't really serious about it. I could call her today, I thought after my vegan lunch, but I wasn't excited nor concerned. The idea fell flat while I was walking back to my office. Should I call her? I don't know, perhaps I could break the ice first, pick up the phone and ask how it is doing with her baby girl. Apparently she wrote on facebook that she is in love with her. I bet, she seems so cute!

My mum doesn't understand why I feel the urge to solve this emotional knot. She doesn't even think about all this as something that needs to be addressed as she knows how L. is and is much more skeptical than me. She doesn't think people could change, when friendship is over it's really over and that's it. However, she told me that if it's crucial to me, I should call/meet her. I still don't know what to do. By the way, after the baby was delivered I haven't dreamt of her anymore. I did have strange dreams though, I wish I had written them down.

I finished The Secret Life of Bees which I really enjoyed and just started The Hours. The movie based on the novel is simply amazing, I've seen it 4-5 times (perhaps even more). The book is written in a wonderful, marvelous, perfect English and the characters -three women who live in different times linked by Woolf's Mrs Dalloway- are so unique I don't even dare to describe. 

As Clarissa steps down from the vestibule her shoe make gritty contact with the red-brown, mica-studded stone of the first stair. She is fifty-two now, just fifty-two, and almost unnaturally good health. She feels every bit as good as she did that day in Wellfleet, at the age of eighteen, stepping out through the glass doors into a day very much like this one, fresh and almost painfully clear, rampant with growth. There were dragonflies zigzagging among the cattails. There was a grassy smell sharpened by pine sap. Richard came out behind her, put an hand on her shoulder, and said, "Why, hello, Mrs. Dalloway". (p.10)

Snowflakes

It has been snowing for few hours now and the garden is as white and quiet as a glass ball. I want to go out tomorrow. I've been recovering fast and I feel fine, it's time to enjoy the snow. The air is so fresh and I guess the snow tastes good because my dog likes it very much. The silence is almost unreal, I don't hear any sound from my bedroom.

... Someone has turned the glass ball upside down to make it snow.